Doing Your Own Thing. Going Your Own Way.

I’ve felt alone most of my life, like a lone wolf. Here are some things I’ve learned about doing your own thing; going your own way.

You have to have confidence with the courage to understand yourself, for better or worse, hopefully for the better. Around the age of twenty-five, I decided to tackle my problems head on. I could have given in to drinking, smoking, drugs, and being a dick. I cared more about myself than hating others.

It required the confidence that I could do it and the courage to see myself as I was. I felt a lot of stress. Much was revealed on what was important to me. There were times I shut the world out because it seemed I was the only one who cared and wanted to make myself better. I couldn’t agree with the advice that said, “Just hide it away. Here, have a beer.”

You learn self-discipline. With nobody giving you guidance, you’ve got to know when and what to do to grow. I learned to draw, I learned to write, and best of all, I learned to understand much of the psychology that makes up human behavior and emotions. These skills and knowledge provided me the opportunity to learn empathy and expression, in a time and culture that’s focused on, “Look at me.”

You learn what’s important to you and what’s no longer important. At times I felt betrayed, others enlightened. You’ll lose harmful morals, ideas, and beliefs, in exchange for making room for what works best for you.

And here’s the toughest part to swallow about going on your own: you learn who is important in your life. I’ve reduced, or disconnected, my contact with some people in my life, because I found they were harming my pursuit of happiness. I’ve had friends who treated me like family, and people I once called friends, who didn’t even say hello once in a while.

Going your own way, doing your own thing, can be both challenging and exciting. However short or long your journey, be it a few days, a few months, or in my case, eight to nine years, there will be things that will surprise and shock you. The best thing you can do is have good friends around. Real friends. People who say hello, call you out, for better or worse, with the intention of telling you they want you in their life.

I hope you’ve learned something by reading this. I write often, and it’s usually quite personal. It takes a lot of confidence to put your thoughts and experiences out for others to read. You subject yourself to judgment, criticism, but hopefully, to getting closer to others. As friends, or lovers, whatever the case may be; they’re both welcoming.

Risk Talking

Introverts lack social tact on what to say and when to say it. That’s a benefit. Introverts gain the advantage over those who can’t stop talking: We surprise and shock others when we do talk.

When I feel it’s time to express myself, sometimes I give it a second thought, but that’s where I draw the line. Then I just do it and live with the fun or consequences. These are the things that make life exciting.

After waiting more than a year, I expressed something to someone because I wanted an answer. It wasn’t gentle and I got that answer, even if it wasn’t what I had hoped to hear. I may have awoken something in her. I may have shaken a monkey off my back: that I have been holding myself back from taking risks.

It’s a challenge for introverts to gauge timing, which is a big part of social tact. Saying something you feel is important, and others feel shocked, can hurt a lot. It often makes you not want to express yourself anymore. You feel misunderstood, not important, and all that depressive crap.

I won’t drag on with all that. What I will do is go into how not having tact is a blessing.

By not having all that social tact, you are actually more free to express yourself than people who adhere to the unwritten, unexplained rules of communication. You’re free because you’re not holding your thoughts and timing to a standard, situation, or method of delivery.

Often people like to ask me why I don’t talk often. I just don’t. It’s not something I practice, so therefore, it’s not something I do. It’s not that I’m not a good communicator: it’s that I don’t inhibit my communication when I do talk.

Then they say, well, that’s not polite to just say what you want. Truth is, it’s more polite to be honest, because honesty builds trust. Even if it hurts. Changing what you say and how you say it is along the same lines as lying. The risk here is that you’re slowly building up walls of dishonesty, waiting to crumble down at a later date.

I’d rather be honest, shocking, and have people resent that, than to be surrounded with fake people who can’t express themselves.

You don’t have to be nice about it. Sometimes, people need to know you’re not feeling happy with something. Enough of this nonsense of everyone hiding their bad feelings so everyone has a good time, and everything is just fucking fine.

I want to love a woman I know. I want to support her and make love to her every day. I want her to be strong and independent, and still be loved by someone. If I didn’t say anything, if I didn’t take the risks, she would still only have a few clues as to how I feel.

So, the other day, I said screw it, and told her exactly how I felt. Yes, it hurt, and yes, it may have caused some friction that perhaps wasn’t there to begin with. Or maybe it gave light to that friction, and made her finally express what she wants and doesn’t want to me. Maybe she needed that.

I’ll never know, unless she’s willing to take those risks with talking with me. In my experience, women don’t do that, cause they’re just as afraid as I’ve been. It’d be a real surprise, and would restore my faith in people if she did.

Does Experience Matter in Dating?

I have limited dating experience: two dates, where both were set up without my knowledge, neither of which turned out well.

I have an anxiety of being with a woman with a bad attitude, who is resentful and handles frustration like a toddler. It’s the reason I don’t want to have children, which in turn makes dating a little more difficult. The difficulty being, most people date to find a mate, to potentially get married and start a family.

It’s been two years since I wanted to start dating and, “what are you waiting for, man up!” and all that shit. Sorry, it’s not easy. Here are the reasons I’ve been hesitant to dating, or if you want to be cynical, excuses.

The Bright Sides

But, before we get into that, I’m going to mix things up: let’s start with the good things! That way, we start off in a better mood.

I’m aging handsomely. I’ve never thought I was ugly, nor has anyone called me as such (except my brother, but w/e). I don’t obsess with how I look, but I know I haven’t always looked this good to me. I also got most of my dental work done, which was causing me real pain for a long, long time. (Ever have abscessed teeth? I did, for four years.)

I’m getting better at judging what works for me and what doesn’t. For one, I like when a woman dresses up nice. A little makeup, a form fitting dress (or a mini skirt/shorts). I’m over the kind of woman you’d take home to mom.

I actually have money to spend on dating. Go figure, I’m sure money is involved somewhere. Though I’d rather use it for starting a business / marketing a product, I can spare some of it for fun and to support this thing that is important to me.

Expected Experience

Ever look for a job, only to see they want someone with five years experience? You just graduated college and want to start your career, but the doors have been shut on you before they were open. Maybe there’s a window you can climb into! You feel you’re up against a wall of impossible requirements.

I feel similar about dating. It’s an irrational fear that a woman doesn’t care for a man’s dating experience. Yet, there’s the factor of subconscious choice: the feeling that something isn’t quite right because it’s not what you’re used to, so you make a decision to change things, or end them as it would be in dating.

I’ve been working since I was 12, and full-time since I was 19. Combined with my insatiable desire to learn and be productive, this has left little time to even socialize amongst friends. Honestly, I wouldn’t even know where to take a girl out. Something simple, like dinner for a night date, coffee/tea for lunch date, or, if it’s a holiday weekend, an event outdoors?
Being able to come up with these ideas probably isn’t difficult, and I’ve been told I’m a great gift giver. (That means I think of and remember details of others.) It’s just, at my age (29), people have expectations.

Immediate Entertainment

I don’t mind being the one to get things rolling. I could ask simple questions, but that gets me stuck in the process of being dishonestly polite. You know, that sort of politeness you have to have with strangers and (if you’re in an office) professionals from prospective clients.
It’s called small talk, and I know how it works. The problem is, I’m not comfortable with it. I’ve always felt small talk to be dishonest because it’s deliberate. It dodges the point of dating by covering things up with boring topics that don’t support the purpose of dating: to find a supportive partner, someone to love, someone to have sex with, whatever your goal is. If the goal of dating was to meet strangers and keep them as strangers then small talk would be the best form of communication.

It seems like a stretch, but I’d rather a woman be like a Bond Girl: straight to the point and doesn’t waste time with what she doesn’t want. Perhaps that’s fantasy and women like that don’t exist, but that sort of honesty makes romantic communication entertaining.
I get bored and find it difficult to further a conversation if there’s nothing to go on except for the weather, if I want children or not, and what my plans are for the future. I want stimulation.

Sexual Experience

I’m no fool when a woman is trying to seduce me. Here’s the problem: only married women have tried. That, and before high school, it was easy for me to get close to a girl. Mind you, I’ve never acted on the married women (nor would I), and nothing happened when I was still a kid.
I recall a few things: first girl I kissed was when I was eight, and I would sneak up to her bedroom and make out for a good long hour. While her dad was home. Before high school, a girl I met just thirty minutes earlier had already invited me up to her bedroom, but her parents came home before the doors were closed. Just as high school was ending, I was went from meeting a girl to making out with her in the back of her car in less than two hours.

I don’t have a problem with intimacy, I just only want sex with someone I’m sexually attracted to. Which begs the question: is it my experience that’s limiting, or the woman I’m interested in?
Yes, I do consider the woman’s sexual expectations. No, I don’t judge her experiences and experiments, unless she’s into bestiality, I can’t do that. That’s just sick.

If she’s had bad experiences, maybe she’s less trusting to have more partners. Maybe she’s disappointed with the lack of understanding. I get that, and that’s one of the reasons I read the occasional romance novel, and non-fiction sexuality books written by women.
I’m not ashamed of my lack of sexual experience. I have nothing to be ashamed of, both experience wise and physically. I won’t brag like some college boy with a GPA of two.

Judgement

I don’t like unfair judgement by others, specifically when compared to others. With this blog, people take the time to read my thoughts, and carry forth with a more knowledgeable assessment.

I don’t like being judged on the behavior of others. A woman I’m interested in, at least in looks, seems to most guys the kind of woman that’d be “up for anything and everything,” but I know she’s a respectable woman. She wasn’t quick to judge me, but I’m pointing her out as an example: there are guys out there who drop pick up lines and make assumptions of women based on how they look / dress.

This, unfortunately, can cause judgement on me to be pretty rash. A year ago I introduced myself to a different woman, because I knew who she was and she was standing right next to me. She thought I was trying to pick up on her, though I said nothing of the sort that would indicate interest. It illustrates my point that experience has an affect on my ability to show who I am.
I know it can be difficult for people to be open without judgement. I don’t expect people to be open to everyone. I know I’m not.


 

I’m still looking, hoping, wanting to love, date, and have fun.

How to Care for Your Car

I come from a family that has owned many cars, most of them a piece of shit. What I want to share today are some simple tips on how you can care for your car, and how she’ll care for you. I’ve owned the same car for seven years, and when people get in it, they swear it must be new.

The first tip I want to share is common sense: lube, oil, and filter. One way to ensure you and your car belong with the rest of the steel pile at the demolition derby is to forget to change the the oil.

Men like to think of their cars as girls. So, fellas: the shafts, lifters, and pistons, need to remain lubricated for a smooth, thorough ride, otherwise, dryness may occur. No girl wants a dry shaft.

The next tip is to ensure you drive her carefully. Don’t rush in and slam your foot on the gas pedal. Unless she’s a race car, which means she’s there only to be driven hard to the finish line, she’s meant to be ridden from a smooth start to a clean finish.

Before modern technology, you had to warm your car up. Let her purr for a bit, enjoy the gentle vibration as she gets ready for the road. Even if you’re just going to the drug store for a late night emergency, it’s good practice to let the old girl get used to the outside temperature; your rear end in the driver seat will warm the interior enough.

Besides, you wouldn’t want your girl to not be ready when you go, and she leaves you stranded on the side of the road, with no lights on, and the sounds of hungry wolves nearby remind you how much you screwed that one up.

Which brings me to my next tip: protect her exterior. She drove off the line shining and pretty, hoping a driver like you would pick her over the other cars, and she wants to shine for her whole life.

Wash your car regularly. If all that dirt is left on to be cleaned off another day far away, you’ll find underneath a rusted bucket of steel. You’ll be stuck with her, and she’ll resent being stuck with you. Nobody wants a rusted bucket of steel, but if you make one, you reap what you sow.

Don’t forget the interior: just because a car is beautiful on the outside, doesn’t mean her insides should be left to neglect. Clean that leather (and, for her sake, make sure it’s leather). Clean it so it is so smooth, that when you get in, you slide down to a comfortable position. Nothing is more frightening than a driver who isn’t comfortable at the wheel.

I consider it sacrilegious to eat in your car, especially while driving. You might be tempted to cruise through the drive-thru on your way to or from work, but avoid it. Nothing says, “I don’t care about my car,” more than any kind of white stains that might just be grease, and the stench of hamburgers that have been sitting under a heat lamp since last Tuesday.

Change your tires before they are worn out. I can’t stress how a new pair of shoes feels on your feet, so why should your girl go without a new set when she needs them? Also, on that note, ensure you get the right size and color of tires and wheels (aka, “rims”), to match the color of your car. Nothing says, “I don’t know how to dress myself, mom,” more than rims that look like they belong on a child’s bicycle.

Don’t drive her crazy, or her suspension will break, and all you’ll be left with is a ride that goes all over the place. Go easy over the bumps; the two of you will make it through it.

Handle curves like a pro by slowing down first, leaning along the edge of the turn, and coming out in fine fashion.

Last, don’t cut people off; it’s rude to you, and rude to your car, should she be the one to get rear ended by the other driver. She’ll hate you for the rest of her life if you damage her rear.

One last tip: the love you give your car can be returned only as much as you give to her. Protect her, maintain her, and she’ll take you to all the places you want to go.

Don’t be tempted to trade her in for a newer model, when all it would take is a bit of polish, shine, and some elbow grease to get her running like new.

Ignite her engines. Let her purr. Go for a smooth, beautiful ride, and you’ll never know where the shared road will take you.

You Should be in a Bad Relationship

In my glorious pursuit of love, people give me advice of their plethora of dating experience. According to these men about town, failed relationships and bad dates provide a steel barrier to deal with the tough shit of being in love. In order to get to the good stuff, you have to sloth through the shitty gritty.

Worse words would have been said. While what I want is romance like a desert rose, I must be delusional: I’m required to lose my mind through a field of cactus pricks.

According to the mentors of everlasting love and lust, I should look to date, fondle, and fuck, one woman after the other, until I’ve had my fill of breaking hearts and hips. Last time I checked, women prefer dick moves to stay in bed.

I’m reminded women put up with shit relationships for a long time. Hope. Belief. Trust that it will improve. Some day soon, right? Leaving women feeling like a Disney Princess wronged, men have confused being entertaining through comedic insults and competition with being a douchebag. How the two get mixed up I’ll never understand: one makes you a dirtbag, the other cleanses the body.

Disney Princesses don’t exist today. They lived in a different age, when men had to be gentle to women, or they’d get the shit beat out of them for even reaching their hands toward places it didn’t belong.

Today, you’re a wimp if you’re a true gentleman. You’ll have a difficult time being in a relationship, and it’s because you won’t be any good at shaking your hips like a monkey with a hard-on. It’s because, if you are a gentleman, then women suspect you’re looking to chain them down to being a wife in a brick house with a white picketed fence.

Today, you’re stupid and weak, for being a feminine woman. Your subservient behavior to look soft and beautiful is an insult to every woman who had chucked her bra off for that one boy in high school who later ignored her in the halls. Shame on you for being strong, confident, and beautiful with grace.

I can’t don’t want to understand how people can believe that relationships are just bad. That they just are, and they’ll one day find someone who gives them a good one.

I’m of the idea that we should seek to give good relationships, not demand them. Who are we to deserve something we wouldn’t give away? Selfish, that’s all. That’s all seeking something so precious from someone else is. We should be willing to give what we don’t have to get what we want.

It’s a creative endeavor that requires will, not experience. Experience is nothing. Will is everything. The will to continue pressing on for what you want. What I want is a good relationship; not a stack of, “Oh, fuck, why did I do that?”

It wouldn’t do for you to have read this far without an answer to how you could have a good relationship, so here it is: right from the mind of a young man who’s never been slapped across the face, kicked in the balls, or been duped into giving himself over to someone who didn’t deserve it.

Rule #1: Do more than just listen.

Any idiot can hear what their significant other says. It takes a lover to hear, feel, remember, and do something about it. Even if you don’t fulfill every wish, every desire, and want, of the one you love, what’s important is that you remember. People want to be heard. They want others to remember them. And it gets more important was we grow older. With other friends having children, careers going in different places, we begin to grow apart. By taking the effort to remember, and try to put into effect, the things your lover wants most, you are validating their existence while what they once thought could never end, is drifting apart due to general course of life.

I can’t say for certainty what it’s like to give much attention to someone. That’s because I’ve never had taken made the chance it happen. I’ve had chances, but didn’t take them, because I’ve been afraid of so many things. I realized, thanks to a good, dear friend of mine, I have to like myself before I can like someone else. Therefore, I had to learn to listen to myself. Now that I am more connected with myself, I feel I can truly connect with someone else. That’s what happens when you listen.

Rule #2: Don’t Stroke, Pet

Most people know how to stroke someone, be it for pleasure, personal gain, or simply to piss them off. Strangely, people have no problem rubbing their hands on their pets. Like a cat that purrs because it is content and comforted with the gentle touch along its back, your lover would be to. Mind you, this is emotional, not metaphorical.

We’re often surrounded by things that are dramatic and intense. It’s advertising. It’s Hollywood. It’s exciting and enticing because our lives are just so damn boring. We’re not super heroes, and it doesn’t take a man of steel to comfort the one we love. Sure, some women prefer a bit of raw steel from time to time, but it can get cold. Hearts are warm, regardless of the temperature in and around us.

Humans crave the touch of another body. It lets us know we’re alive, that we are a part of not just the world in our minds, but that of another. A light touch is better than a rough one. It’s science, baby: nerves are more sensitive with less pressure.

Rule #3: Words Matter. Talk Like a Gentleman with the Art of a Woman.

We go through many experiences in life, and we describe them. In words we understand. In words we communicate to others so they’ll understand. We associate good experiences with the words and sounds we hear with them. We do the same with bad experiences. Take the time to understand what turns you on, and turns you off, with the words you say.

I believe, if one can, one should write. It helps put things into perspective. It seems the art of leaving love letters has been replaced with dropping texts on cellphones like, “Wanna huuk up?” What the fuck is “Huuk?” Apparently, spell check is covering your ass for paying attention. And what a sad choice of words. Sure, some women will want a hook up, but that doesn’t mean you have to be the one to say it.

What I mean, is you should write from the heart. Don’t be afraid to use romantic words. Don’t be afraid to use long, romantic, complicated sounding words. Women aren’t stupid. They learn these words from all their giggling girlfriends as they’re passing through puberty, long before you even became aware of the enticing power of linguistics to a woman’s land down under.

At What Age…

Do we learn to repeat the bad words we hear?

Do we think being dramatic is normal?

Do we realize that nobody is actually watching but we act like they are?

At what age do we start believing that if everyone else jumped off a bridge we should too?

Can we tell ourselves that its okay for us to accept real romance, casting aside our adolescent dependence on fun without deep meaning?

At what age do we begin to ask ourselves “Where did I leave the TV remote,” knowing we should have traded in the tube for a bicycle?

At what age do people stop looking for what’s wrong about us and welcome and embrace the best we can give?

Maybe I’m wishing hopefully here. Maybe I’m not. I live alone. I eat alone. I sleep alone. I’m a regular Harold Crick. I feel in love. In love with the sadness of feeling alone. Alone with the sadness of knowing I am grown up beyond those my age. Alone wondering at what age will the girl I want to love be able to accept that I’m me. I am someone who wants to give love.

At what age will I be allowed to experience love?

I don’t. Not having experienced it yet is making me feel twice my age. Feeling older every day. Can a 28yr old be 56?