Doing Your Own Thing. Going Your Own Way.

I’ve felt alone most of my life, like a lone wolf. Here are some things I’ve learned about doing your own thing; going your own way.

You have to have confidence with the courage to understand yourself, for better or worse, hopefully for the better. Around the age of twenty-five, I decided to tackle my problems head on. I could have given in to drinking, smoking, drugs, and being a dick. I cared more about myself than hating others.

It required the confidence that I could do it and the courage to see myself as I was. I felt a lot of stress. Much was revealed on what was important to me. There were times I shut the world out because it seemed I was the only one who cared and wanted to make myself better. I couldn’t agree with the advice that said, “Just hide it away. Here, have a beer.”

You learn self-discipline. With nobody giving you guidance, you’ve got to know when and what to do to grow. I learned to draw, I learned to write, and best of all, I learned to understand much of the psychology that makes up human behavior and emotions. These skills and knowledge provided me the opportunity to learn empathy and expression, in a time and culture that’s focused on, “Look at me.”

You learn what’s important to you and what’s no longer important. At times I felt betrayed, others enlightened. You’ll lose harmful morals, ideas, and beliefs, in exchange for making room for what works best for you.

And here’s the toughest part to swallow about going on your own: you learn who is important in your life. I’ve reduced, or disconnected, my contact with some people in my life, because I found they were harming my pursuit of happiness. I’ve had friends who treated me like family, and people I once called friends, who didn’t even say hello once in a while.

Going your own way, doing your own thing, can be both challenging and exciting. However short or long your journey, be it a few days, a few months, or in my case, eight to nine years, there will be things that will surprise and shock you. The best thing you can do is have good friends around. Real friends. People who say hello, call you out, for better or worse, with the intention of telling you they want you in their life.

I hope you’ve learned something by reading this. I write often, and it’s usually quite personal. It takes a lot of confidence to put your thoughts and experiences out for others to read. You subject yourself to judgment, criticism, but hopefully, to getting closer to others. As friends, or lovers, whatever the case may be; they’re both welcoming.

Where I Was, Where I Am

Five years ago, I was different than I am today. I’ve changed on the outside, and on the inside a whole lot more. Most of what I’ve learned I learned on my own, which is a recurring theme in my life.

Five years ago, I felt neurotic. I had a negative view brought on by how I viewed life and how life was talked about from those before me. Today, that type of thinking is like a sneeze: there for a moment, but quickly gone.

Five years ago, I hated working. I felt surrounded by people who didn’t care, didn’t get what I was capable of. Today, regardless of the attitude of others, I am the one that must care for me, and understand what I am capable of.

Five years ago, I wasn’t open about myself. I feared hurtful criticism because of a bully in the home, and the bad attitudes of peers and adults in school. Today, I’m open to people who are happy to hear from me; I’m open to anyone, even strangers. When others just want to be critical, unsupportive, destructive, I ignore their disgruntled ramblings.

Five years ago, I wasn’t creative. I didn’t express myself through writing or illustrating. I didn’t care because nobody else cared. Today, I write, illustrate, bake, and program software to be creative. My wish is to have more experience with being creative socializing, while remaining honest, which works best for me (and can be entertaining to others).

Five years ago, I didn’t want to date. Ten years ago, I didn’t want to date. I didn’t care, because I didn’t believe anyone would be interested in me, and I don’t blame them. Today, I want to experience those things in life that people say is “no big deal,” but means a lot to me. “No big deal” to me says they don’t really care about their relationships. I don’t think that way.

Five years ago, I was emotionally wired like a Griswald Christmas tree. Bad examples and experience taught me to hold things in; to hide them because all people would do is say, “get over it,” like I shouldn’t care about how I felt. Today, I am better. I have improved that part of myself and aligned my thoughts, behavior, and emotions, in a compelling harmony. Emotions do matter in life; I know I am human, and others are, too.

Five years ago, I was different. Today, I’m still different. The only difference is, I’m happy to be different.

Five years ago, I was an introvert and unhappy about most things. Today, I’m happy, even if I’m not fluttering around like a social butterfly.

Five years from now, I will be better.

Five years from now, I’ll have known what it’s like to love someone.

Five years from now, I’ll think about this day, and be proud of myself, for I have truly something to be proud of.

Expressing Yourself

I spent some time last night across the stroke of midnight and wrote nine and 1/4 pages by hand of some thoughts about my childhood. It taught me that, expressing myself was something I haven’t done much of. Without writing the full pages here, this is a summary:

Holding my emotions, thoughts, and actions in, to avoid ridicule and criticism. I never had the kind of environment that was healthy for expressing myself. Teachers, my eldest brother, kids and adults in the neighborhood, and almost anywhere else. Anxiety has been a long part of my life.

And so I’ve realized, in the past nine years I’ve worked in offices, and other jobs before that, is you can’t express your true self there. For the most part in nearly any job, even the creative ones — that I’ve tried, such as Graphic Design — you’re not projecting an extension of yourself. You’re told what to do, what to create, and even how to create it; it’s sad, and inhuman.

I think it’s important to live a healthy happy life to express yourself, especially in places and ways you won’t be attacked with harsh criticism and vitriol. As we go through adolescence we gain some self-consciousness, and if we don’t fight this and get rid of it, we can, like I have for pretty much all my 27 years, can’t truly he happy.

I’ve always been afraid of living a life wherein I was never known for anything but being a cog in the wheel. Lost in the race. What happened though is I ran myself into this race without taking time away from everything. Bombarded with constant work and constantly trying to improve my work, I never learned I have to blow it all off. And yet, this is what I’ve done time and time again; with the six jobs I’ve quit.

Each time, though, I was immediately jumping back in based on the fear that I wouldn’t have anything; a place to sleep, something to eat, and so on. Some of you may know, or not, but my mother spends much time with the youthful homeless. She takes them to the hospital, doctors, grocery shopping, and other places, to help them out.

Their spirit is strong; they have nothing, but they’re happy. They’re free from the bondage of being employed in a place wherein they can’t express themselves. Some may say this type of life is horrible; but let’s not forget how many people were free during the summer of love. True freedom, I believe, and happiness, only comes from ridding ourselves of the binds that make us an extension of someone else.

It’s making it difficult to want to return to work, and contemplating just giving up all these material goods. I have a library of more than 100 books; movies and video games. This pressure to jump back in, just doesn’t seem like something I want to do anymore so easily. I need to be able to express myself, and be listened to. I think we all do.

The Point of All This

In the beginning, the point was to find food and shelter to eat and live.
In the middle, it was to further the endeavors of a civilized world through knowledge and research.
Now that we know how much bullshit everything is, it’s time to get back to the one thing humans do best: complaining.

That’s all it seems to be now. Everyone looking for something to bitch about. If they can’t complain about the manufacturing process of steel dildos, they’ll complain about the endangered species. If they can’t bitch about public education going in the shitter, they’ll complain about taxes being too high.

Lo and behold, we create things just to complain about them. Government, taxes, religion, and the idea that you can’t walk up to a beautiful ginger girl and ask her for a blow job and get one.

In all honesty, there is no point, there never was, and there never will be. Humans have completely missed the point of living: to just do whatever the fuck you want without any higher meaning. But, some douchebags along the way wanted a higher meaning, and what better higher meaning than something that can and can’t be denied with fake evidence conjured from their thoughts and a lack of evidence conjured from those very same thoughts.

The only point I care about is me pointing this bullshit out the door. Thank you, and I hope I made my point.