Risk Talking

Introverts lack social tact on what to say and when to say it. That’s a benefit. Introverts gain the advantage over those who can’t stop talking: We surprise and shock others when we do talk.

When I feel it’s time to express myself, sometimes I give it a second thought, but that’s where I draw the line. Then I just do it and live with the fun or consequences. These are the things that make life exciting.

After waiting more than a year, I expressed something to someone because I wanted an answer. It wasn’t gentle and I got that answer, even if it wasn’t what I had hoped to hear. I may have awoken something in her. I may have shaken a monkey off my back: that I have been holding myself back from taking risks.

It’s a challenge for introverts to gauge timing, which is a big part of social tact. Saying something you feel is important, and others feel shocked, can hurt a lot. It often makes you not want to express yourself anymore. You feel misunderstood, not important, and all that depressive crap.

I won’t drag on with all that. What I will do is go into how not having tact is a blessing.

By not having all that social tact, you are actually more free to express yourself than people who adhere to the unwritten, unexplained rules of communication. You’re free because you’re not holding your thoughts and timing to a standard, situation, or method of delivery.

Often people like to ask me why I don’t talk often. I just don’t. It’s not something I practice, so therefore, it’s not something I do. It’s not that I’m not a good communicator: it’s that I don’t inhibit my communication when I do talk.

Then they say, well, that’s not polite to just say what you want. Truth is, it’s more polite to be honest, because honesty builds trust. Even if it hurts. Changing what you say and how you say it is along the same lines as lying. The risk here is that you’re slowly building up walls of dishonesty, waiting to crumble down at a later date.

I’d rather be honest, shocking, and have people resent that, than to be surrounded with fake people who can’t express themselves.

You don’t have to be nice about it. Sometimes, people need to know you’re not feeling happy with something. Enough of this nonsense of everyone hiding their bad feelings so everyone has a good time, and everything is just fucking fine.

I want to love a woman I know. I want to support her and make love to her every day. I want her to be strong and independent, and still be loved by someone. If I didn’t say anything, if I didn’t take the risks, she would still only have a few clues as to how I feel.

So, the other day, I said screw it, and told her exactly how I felt. Yes, it hurt, and yes, it may have caused some friction that perhaps wasn’t there to begin with. Or maybe it gave light to that friction, and made her finally express what she wants and doesn’t want to me. Maybe she needed that.

I’ll never know, unless she’s willing to take those risks with talking with me. In my experience, women don’t do that, cause they’re just as afraid as I’ve been. It’d be a real surprise, and would restore my faith in people if she did.

Does Experience Matter in Dating?

I have limited dating experience: two dates, where both were set up without my knowledge, neither of which turned out well.

I have an anxiety of being with a woman with a bad attitude, who is resentful and handles frustration like a toddler. It’s the reason I don’t want to have children, which in turn makes dating a little more difficult. The difficulty being, most people date to find a mate, to potentially get married and start a family.

It’s been two years since I wanted to start dating and, “what are you waiting for, man up!” and all that shit. Sorry, it’s not easy. Here are the reasons I’ve been hesitant to dating, or if you want to be cynical, excuses.

The Bright Sides

But, before we get into that, I’m going to mix things up: let’s start with the good things! That way, we start off in a better mood.

I’m aging handsomely. I’ve never thought I was ugly, nor has anyone called me as such (except my brother, but w/e). I don’t obsess with how I look, but I know I haven’t always looked this good to me. I also got most of my dental work done, which was causing me real pain for a long, long time. (Ever have abscessed teeth? I did, for four years.)

I’m getting better at judging what works for me and what doesn’t. For one, I like when a woman dresses up nice. A little makeup, a form fitting dress (or a mini skirt/shorts). I’m over the kind of woman you’d take home to mom.

I actually have money to spend on dating. Go figure, I’m sure money is involved somewhere. Though I’d rather use it for starting a business / marketing a product, I can spare some of it for fun and to support this thing that is important to me.

Expected Experience

Ever look for a job, only to see they want someone with five years experience? You just graduated college and want to start your career, but the doors have been shut on you before they were open. Maybe there’s a window you can climb into! You feel you’re up against a wall of impossible requirements.

I feel similar about dating. It’s an irrational fear that a woman doesn’t care for a man’s dating experience. Yet, there’s the factor of subconscious choice: the feeling that something isn’t quite right because it’s not what you’re used to, so you make a decision to change things, or end them as it would be in dating.

I’ve been working since I was 12, and full-time since I was 19. Combined with my insatiable desire to learn and be productive, this has left little time to even socialize amongst friends. Honestly, I wouldn’t even know where to take a girl out. Something simple, like dinner for a night date, coffee/tea for lunch date, or, if it’s a holiday weekend, an event outdoors?
Being able to come up with these ideas probably isn’t difficult, and I’ve been told I’m a great gift giver. (That means I think of and remember details of others.) It’s just, at my age (29), people have expectations.

Immediate Entertainment

I don’t mind being the one to get things rolling. I could ask simple questions, but that gets me stuck in the process of being dishonestly polite. You know, that sort of politeness you have to have with strangers and (if you’re in an office) professionals from prospective clients.
It’s called small talk, and I know how it works. The problem is, I’m not comfortable with it. I’ve always felt small talk to be dishonest because it’s deliberate. It dodges the point of dating by covering things up with boring topics that don’t support the purpose of dating: to find a supportive partner, someone to love, someone to have sex with, whatever your goal is. If the goal of dating was to meet strangers and keep them as strangers then small talk would be the best form of communication.

It seems like a stretch, but I’d rather a woman be like a Bond Girl: straight to the point and doesn’t waste time with what she doesn’t want. Perhaps that’s fantasy and women like that don’t exist, but that sort of honesty makes romantic communication entertaining.
I get bored and find it difficult to further a conversation if there’s nothing to go on except for the weather, if I want children or not, and what my plans are for the future. I want stimulation.

Sexual Experience

I’m no fool when a woman is trying to seduce me. Here’s the problem: only married women have tried. That, and before high school, it was easy for me to get close to a girl. Mind you, I’ve never acted on the married women (nor would I), and nothing happened when I was still a kid.
I recall a few things: first girl I kissed was when I was eight, and I would sneak up to her bedroom and make out for a good long hour. While her dad was home. Before high school, a girl I met just thirty minutes earlier had already invited me up to her bedroom, but her parents came home before the doors were closed. Just as high school was ending, I was went from meeting a girl to making out with her in the back of her car in less than two hours.

I don’t have a problem with intimacy, I just only want sex with someone I’m sexually attracted to. Which begs the question: is it my experience that’s limiting, or the woman I’m interested in?
Yes, I do consider the woman’s sexual expectations. No, I don’t judge her experiences and experiments, unless she’s into bestiality, I can’t do that. That’s just sick.

If she’s had bad experiences, maybe she’s less trusting to have more partners. Maybe she’s disappointed with the lack of understanding. I get that, and that’s one of the reasons I read the occasional romance novel, and non-fiction sexuality books written by women.
I’m not ashamed of my lack of sexual experience. I have nothing to be ashamed of, both experience wise and physically. I won’t brag like some college boy with a GPA of two.

Judgement

I don’t like unfair judgement by others, specifically when compared to others. With this blog, people take the time to read my thoughts, and carry forth with a more knowledgeable assessment.

I don’t like being judged on the behavior of others. A woman I’m interested in, at least in looks, seems to most guys the kind of woman that’d be “up for anything and everything,” but I know she’s a respectable woman. She wasn’t quick to judge me, but I’m pointing her out as an example: there are guys out there who drop pick up lines and make assumptions of women based on how they look / dress.

This, unfortunately, can cause judgement on me to be pretty rash. A year ago I introduced myself to a different woman, because I knew who she was and she was standing right next to me. She thought I was trying to pick up on her, though I said nothing of the sort that would indicate interest. It illustrates my point that experience has an affect on my ability to show who I am.
I know it can be difficult for people to be open without judgement. I don’t expect people to be open to everyone. I know I’m not.


 

I’m still looking, hoping, wanting to love, date, and have fun.