The Electric Car Buzz

martooni-girly-300pxDo you like your buzz and drink your booze like it’s water? I bet you’d love to know that in the not too distant future your drink of choice will experience a price reduction, allowing you to consume more of this American dietary staple. And this comes from an unlikely source: electric cars.

You may ask how an electric car would fuel a surge in the alcoholic beverage industry. It will be done through a systematic reduction in resource usage and an increase in tax breaks, all while tapping into this generation’s never ending love to be environmentally friendly and economically irresponsible.

Once electric vehicles dominate the market, the oil industry will have to scale back gasoline production. Since ethanol is an ingredient in both alcohol and clean burning gasoline, the drastic drop in demand will send prices falling faster than your best friend on St Patty’s Day. Following the laws of supply and demand, ethanol becomes a buyer’s market, one the makers of Coors and Bud Light will no doubt saturate, making it easier for consumers to satisfy their thirst. Feel free to get your buzz on and celebrate the death of the internal combustion engine.

Electric cars are destined to drive themselves, giving brewers every incentive to invest in the technological advancement of artificial intelligence. Not only does artificial intelligence reduce drunk driving accidents, it also reduces the need for intelligence amongst drivers. A bet on a computer to drive three thousand pounds of steel is a good bet for us all.

For the people in this generation who like to call government handouts a means to support society, feel free to know that several tax breaks, incentives, and reduction in expenditures for local law enforcement, are on their way. With lower drunk driving incidents, you’ll see a smaller police force and reduced enrollment of DUI and traffic schools, freeing up funds, likely to pay for rehab.

Whatever will the police do after last call? Maybe they’ll look for real criminals, such as this generation’s sick pedophiles, murderers, and arrest those baby boomers who stole social security to fuel their wild retirements. Remember, don’t trust anyone over fifty.

Lastly, on a sad note, you may lose a friend along the way to advancing society’s plunge into the drowning pool. Sacrifices will be made when your designated drinker remains sober against the new wave of automated alcohol, refusing to binge and purge with the rest of the party. Who needs a sane, coherent friend, anyway? Many of us aren’t there ourselves.

How to Care for Your Car

I come from a family that has owned many cars, most of them a piece of shit. What I want to share today are some simple tips on how you can care for your car, and how she’ll care for you. I’ve owned the same car for seven years, and when people get in it, they swear it must be new.

The first tip I want to share is common sense: lube, oil, and filter. One way to ensure you and your car belong with the rest of the steel pile at the demolition derby is to forget to change the the oil.

Men like to think of their cars as girls. So, fellas: the shafts, lifters, and pistons, need to remain lubricated for a smooth, thorough ride, otherwise, dryness may occur. No girl wants a dry shaft.

The next tip is to ensure you drive her carefully. Don’t rush in and slam your foot on the gas pedal. Unless she’s a race car, which means she’s there only to be driven hard to the finish line, she’s meant to be ridden from a smooth start to a clean finish.

Before modern technology, you had to warm your car up. Let her purr for a bit, enjoy the gentle vibration as she gets ready for the road. Even if you’re just going to the drug store for a late night emergency, it’s good practice to let the old girl get used to the outside temperature; your rear end in the driver seat will warm the interior enough.

Besides, you wouldn’t want your girl to not be ready when you go, and she leaves you stranded on the side of the road, with no lights on, and the sounds of hungry wolves nearby remind you how much you screwed that one up.

Which brings me to my next tip: protect her exterior. She drove off the line shining and pretty, hoping a driver like you would pick her over the other cars, and she wants to shine for her whole life.

Wash your car regularly. If all that dirt is left on to be cleaned off another day far away, you’ll find underneath a rusted bucket of steel. You’ll be stuck with her, and she’ll resent being stuck with you. Nobody wants a rusted bucket of steel, but if you make one, you reap what you sow.

Don’t forget the interior: just because a car is beautiful on the outside, doesn’t mean her insides should be left to neglect. Clean that leather (and, for her sake, make sure it’s leather). Clean it so it is so smooth, that when you get in, you slide down to a comfortable position. Nothing is more frightening than a driver who isn’t comfortable at the wheel.

I consider it sacrilegious to eat in your car, especially while driving. You might be tempted to cruise through the drive-thru on your way to or from work, but avoid it. Nothing says, “I don’t care about my car,” more than any kind of white stains that might just be grease, and the stench of hamburgers that have been sitting under a heat lamp since last Tuesday.

Change your tires before they are worn out. I can’t stress how a new pair of shoes feels on your feet, so why should your girl go without a new set when she needs them? Also, on that note, ensure you get the right size and color of tires and wheels (aka, “rims”), to match the color of your car. Nothing says, “I don’t know how to dress myself, mom,” more than rims that look like they belong on a child’s bicycle.

Don’t drive her crazy, or her suspension will break, and all you’ll be left with is a ride that goes all over the place. Go easy over the bumps; the two of you will make it through it.

Handle curves like a pro by slowing down first, leaning along the edge of the turn, and coming out in fine fashion.

Last, don’t cut people off; it’s rude to you, and rude to your car, should she be the one to get rear ended by the other driver. She’ll hate you for the rest of her life if you damage her rear.

One last tip: the love you give your car can be returned only as much as you give to her. Protect her, maintain her, and she’ll take you to all the places you want to go.

Don’t be tempted to trade her in for a newer model, when all it would take is a bit of polish, shine, and some elbow grease to get her running like new.

Ignite her engines. Let her purr. Go for a smooth, beautiful ride, and you’ll never know where the shared road will take you.