New Definitions

I’d like to provide new definitions and word pairs for you today.

Zebra Vest – Something you should never wear.

Obsolete Library – A stack of Newsweek magazines.

Evasive Chair – A chair that has been pulled out from under you when you go to sit down.

Curved Pickle – A cucumber with erectile dysfunction.

Abortive Secretary – When an administrative assistant quits her job.

Rifle Toe – What one does to themselves to avoid the military draft.

Thoughtless Fact – Anything you hear on the ten o’clock news.

Flippant Reward – When someone offers a reward for a lost item, but then doesn’t give it to you. Bonus definition: When your paycheck is the victim of budget cuts.

Invincible Dust – When you dust off that damn end table, for the third time this week.

Perpetual Shade – A deep, dark, dreaded and dreary cave.

Jobless Yarn – A farmless sheep.

Naive Crowd – Any group of people gathered in a shopping mall.

Goodbye Ticket – A pink slip.

Pointless Texture – Freckles!

Calendar Representative – Any major holiday mascot.

Light Writer – Everyone who uses Twitter.

Old-fashioned Twig – A twig grown naturally, as opposed to one synthetically manufactured in China.

Competition Laugh – When two or more people try to be the last person laughing.

Fan Fact – Anything fans believe about celebrity gossip.

Romance Novel Titles

I’ve never read a romance novel in my life, but I do enjoy romantic comedies; but only if they’re more comedy than romance. Then again, sometimes, I think they’re the same thing. Anyway, here are some wonderful titles to titillate your imagination:

  • The Big Richard
  • Burning the Midnight Chlamydia
  • In the Bossom of Syphilis
  • An Out-of-this-World Guide to Picking up Chicks: You’re From Mars, and She Wants Your Penis
  • Gonorrhea With the Wind
  • Dances Under the Balls
  • That Bitch What Stole My Hotel Key
    • Part 2: That Bitch What Stole My Wallet
    • Part 3: That Bitch What Stole My Gun
    • Part 4: That Bitch What Stole My CarAnd the final book:
    • That Bitch What Died and Who’s Father Turned Me InWait, there are prequels!
    • That Bastard Who Stole My Innocence
    • That Bastard Who I Locked in The Community Bathroom at a Cheap Hotel
    • That Bastard Who Couldn’t Fix His Car
    • That Bastard Who Had No Money
  • My Special Robot
  • Burning with Denial
  • Porch Party in the Boonies
  • Falling Into My Mother-In-Law’s Trap
  • Blue Balls of a Sunday Moon
  • A Game of Pricks and Pole Dancing
  • A Bride’s Guide to Cheating
  • A Husband’s Guide to Ignoring a Cheating Wife
  • A Wife’s Guide to Ignoring Decades of a Cheating Bastard
  • Kiss of the Clap

These are just thoughts passing through my mind.

Update (7/27/2014): I have read several romance novels since I wrote this.

Frugality; Saving Money; and Such

Just a quick update, I’m working on a small book on how to save money. I know, there are thousands of books on how to save money. But, as you know me, I’m going to throw some comedy in the mix. If there’s anything you’d like me to address, let me know. So far, I have the following:

– Why People Spend More (than they need to)

Shopping
– Coupons
– Sales
– Brand Names vs Store Brands
– Restaurants, Fast Food, and Home-Cookin’

Education
– Public Libraries
– Internet, How-To Videos
– Practice to Make Perfect

Travel
– Driving vs. Flight

An Offer I Couldn’t Refuse

“Let’s get down to business,” he said. The old man clenched his fingers together and held them over the desk before him.

That gray suit, that putrid cigar smell, the dim lighting, didn’t make up for the finely crafted and — wow, comfortable — cherry wood leather chairs.

I looked him straight in the eye, and kept my hands above the table out of courtesy and respect to this gentlemen. He had a reputation of treating people with respect, but only if they were loyal to the proposition, determined to repay their debts, and a man of their word.

“I only want the best for my family,” I said.

He scratched the bottom of his chubby cheeks. “I know you do. We all do.” He glanced back and forth, even though there was nothing but darkness on both our sides. “And at times like these, family is of utmost importance. Without a good family, what do we have?”

He coughed. All those years of cigar smoking must be catching up to him.

“I’d like to work with you,” I said, hoping he would understand my situation.

He nodded, and tapped his cigar on his ash tray. He gently cupped his hand and waved someone over.

Out of the darkness a man, who’s head was hidden in the shadows, leaned down to listen to this old man whisper something in his ear. He nodded, and then left the room. For a brief moment, light filled the room again.

“What are talking about here?” the man across from me asked.

I sighed, knowing that, asking for what I was going to ask for, was so much to ask for. I didn’t know how to say it. I practiced and practiced, for this moment for hours. And for months, this deal sat on my shoulders with a devil poking his trident into my neck.

“I don’t have much. I need as much help as I can get,” I said. There, I said it. I asked for help! The first time in my life I asked another man to help my family and I. I wanted to throw my hands in my head and cry. But I couldn’t do that in front of this man. I just couldn’t bring myself to show weakness; not to a man like this. Not now! Don’t do it! I shouted in my head.

The old man put his cigar out, and said, “How does $20,000 work?”

A great feeling of relief rushed over me. Was he serious? Wow!

“But it’s going to cost you.”

Of course! “Yes, anything. Anything for my family.”

“Okay, you got a deal,” he said. The lights in the office came on, and the man from before returned with a stack of papers in his hands. “Just fill this out, and we’ll have you driving a new car off the lot in no time.”


Note: This is my second “Daily Prompt,” which was to write a blog post in ten minutes. I hope you enjoyed it, and let me know what you think! I usually don’t write suspense, but figured I’d have a crack at it.

Charlie Makes a Hotel Reservation

Charlie is sitting outside on the second story patio of his house, with his cellphone, waiting for the Sweet Times Hotel to answer.

“Hello?” the clerk answered.

“Hi, my wife and I would like to make a reservation.”

“Great. When is the reservation for?”

“One month from now, Thursday through Monday.”

“Okay, I have plenty of openings. Were you requesting a specific room, or should I have you pick one out when you get her?”

“Her?”

“Yes, most of our guests bring their entertainment to the hotel on those nights.”

Charlie sat for a moment, thinking of his wife. “I’ll be bringing my wife.” He didn’t want to sound like he was offended.

“Yes, yes. And whom else will be with her?”

“Uh, me.”

“Let me check what rooms we have available for those nights.” The clerk put Charlie on hold.

Ingrid, Charlie’s wife, walked onto the patio. She placed two small cups of tea on a small table between them. She sat down. “Did you make the reservations?” she asked

“I am right now. They put me on hold.”

Ingrid took a sip of tea and looked out over the patio. “Oh, there goes that Stevenson kid again,” she said. “Such a brat. Always getting into trouble, that boy is.”

“Sir?” the clerk took Charlie off hold.

“Yes?”

“I have two rooms available. The economy, and the imperial magistrate’s suite.”

“Is that the best room you got?”

“Ah, no sir, the best room I got was a two-story hut with an ocean view.”

“We don’t want that.”

“Well I wouldn’t give it to you, anyway.”

“Why not?”

“Because that’s my house.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Charlie cleared his throat. “We’ll take the um… Imperial Magistrate’s suite.”

“Excellent. And who should I make the reservation under?”

“Charles Idunno.”

“You don’t know what?”

“No, the name is Idunno.”

“Well, sir, if you want to make a reservation I will need a last name.”

Charlie shifted in his chair.

“What is it?” Ingrid asked.

Charlie ignored his wife. “The name is Idunno. Charles Idunno.”

“Let me look that up, one moment,” the clerk said and put Charlie on hold.

Charlie moved the cellphone from his ear. “What?” he put it back to his ear and said, “Hello?”

“What?” Ingrid asked.

“He says he has to look up my name.”

“Hello, sir?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m sorry, but I can’t find a name that I don’t know.”

“No, seriously, the name is Idunno.”

“Well, neither do I sir. What are you asking me to do?”

“I’m asking you to make a reservation.”

“Well, sir, I can’t make a reservation without your last name.”

Charlie pulled the cellphone from his ear and grunted. “Listen, can I speak with your manager?”

“Yes, sir. One moment,” the clerk said, and put Charlie on hold.

“What’s the problem?” Ingrid asked.

“The clerk’s being an ass.”

“Hello, sir?” the manager asked.

“Yes, hi. I’d like to make a reservation.”

“Okay, sir. Let me help you do that. Can I get your last name please?”

Charlie sighed, then said, “Idunno.”

“Well, I don’t know your last name, either, sir.”

“What kind of place are you running there?”

“I don’t know what to tell you, sir.”

Wanted: Computer Guy

About the Company:
We are one of the fastest-growing businesses at the bleeding edge of technology. We have a fun, friendly, open environment, with all the modern accommodations known to mankind. We even have a merry-go-’round.

Duties:
Fix all computer, mechanical, and electrical equipment throughout the entire office, including light fixtures, coffee machines, aquariums, printers, faxes, copiers, scanners, shredders, neon signs hanging on the sixty-seventh floor, robotic equipment, lab equipment, sterilization equipment.

Skills required:
Friendly, teamwork-minded, self-motivated individual. Problem solver, able to work well with others, take ideas and run with them with little guidance. Also, is able to communicate effectively.

Must have 30 or more years experience in the following: Java, Javascript, PHP, COBOL, RPG, Ruby, Python, Perl, C, C-sharp, C++, MySQL, MSSQL, PostgreSQL, ORACLE, Solaris, Windows 1, 2, 95, 98, ME, 2000, XP, and 7. Fuck Windows Vista. Unix, Linux, Ubuntu, Fedora, Apache, IIS, jQuery, Dojo, WordPress, Joomla, Magento, osCommerce, Twitter, Facebook, MySpace, Friendster, Pinterest.

Available on-call 24/7. Willing to relocate. Telecommute when necessary.

Ability to conference call, hang up, dial a number, and talk like a perfect gentleman. If you can’t speak and behave as the Pope, we don’t want you.

Entrepreneur, go-getter, self-starter, keeps up-to-date on industry standards.

Communicate with clients, customers, business partners, all departments in a professional manner: marketing, sales, production, shipping, receiving, management, upper management, lower management, executive management, co-executive management, mail room, stock clerk, secretaries, executive assistants, operators, outsourced wackos, the lazy guy in the office down the hall with the boxes around it, the security guard, the janitorial engineers, government officials, lawyers, accounting, human resources, clergymen, and, of course, team members, contracted employees, electrical engineers, teachers, preachers, the ones with kids under the bleachers….

Position answers to:
Chairman of the Board, CAO, CBO, CBDO, CCO, CDO, CEO, CFO, CEM, CIO, CISO, CIPO, CKO, CLO, CMO, CNO, COO, CPO, CQO, CRO, CSO, CSCO, CTO, GM, FC, President, Vice-President, Vice-Vice President, Vice President’s Executive Assistant, and doorman.

Able to complete objectives in a dynamic, fast-paced environment, while remaining organized, efficient, and adaptive o the changes and needs of clients, customers, staff, management, your wife and kids, and the owners pet min-pin. An ability to demonstrate this will be required through a rigorous set of four levels of interviews.

Education
Must, without question, possess a PhD in modern physics, astrophysics, astronomy, biology, management, nuclear physics, English, constitutional law, political science, and of course, computer science.

More Education:
Must also have a masters in: Business administration, subatomic theories, sports medicine, economics, applied science, chemistry, commerce, city planning, criminal justice, engineering, European law, fine arts, humanities, information technology, mathematics, philosophy, public administration, rabbinic studies, sacred theology, surgery, urban planning, and veterinary science.

Soft-Skills:
Must be fluently trilingual in at least three of the following languages: English, Spanish, Japanese, Chinese, Russian, Tagalog, Danish, Dutch, German, Armenian, Finnish or Yiddish, Latin or Latvian, Lithuanian or Macedonian, Maltese or Portuguese, Czech or Thai (but not both), French, or Bulgarian.

What We Don’t Want:
Talk back, think wrong, feel bad, slow down, refuse to pick up feces in the bathroom, recycle materials in one of twelve different containers, be late to meetings, be late more than one second, be more than one second early, think for themselves, fall out of line, and use the company internet for personal use.

No H1-Bs, visas, agencies, freelancers, contractors, companies, self-employed, recently divorced. Local individuals with proof of experience and citizenship only, no exceptions whatsoever. This is a demanding position with potential growth.