Interview with a Psychologist

Carl visits a shrink.
“I’m having trouble dealing with stupid, lazy people.”

In my never-ending pursuit of income, through employment or self-published works, I find myself kicking a wall of wannabe psychologists. Pure speculation, of course; but aren’t all understandings formed from observation and guessing? Maybe. Depends on which side of the tracks you put the train on, provided you understand the train is supposed to be on the tracks.

I’ve noticed a trend in interviewing and classified ads: a need to evaluate if a candidate is a “good fit” for the workplace community. That is, “one of us — one of us — one of us.” The interviewing process has become finite; or, put another way: people evaluating the personalities of others to see if they will conform to the company standard.

I can believe harmony is good for a healthy work place. But, with harmony comes slowed progression; if competing ideas are wiped out, then nobody objects to dumb decisions. Just ask the people of North Korea how well absolute unity has worked out for them, provided you can find your way around their well-lit village roads.

Has there ever been a habitat where species didn’t compete for control of resources? Lions eat gazelles; ants eat the carcase; and 500-year old Gollums eat the raw fish.

I’m put under a microscope operated by a three-year old. Interviews used to be a quick evaluation, that went a little something like this: “Here’s what we need you to do. Can you do it? Good. When can you start?” Simple, plain, and to the point.

Not anymore! Now every employee has to be on the same wavelength; jump in the same boat; a corporate cul-de-sac of feelings and cubicles.

These workers are easily agitated, irritated, and annoyed; a generation of let me stare at-my screen and I’ll get back to you when my app sends me a reminder. Don’t bother me, I’m busy tweeting, taking pictures, or sewing a digital pattern for the world’s largest online quilt. These people are a minor inconvenience away from losing their cool, and so, in order to stay in peace, nothing can be allowed to disturb them.

I feel that I may come across as too direct; something about carrying yourself with confidence can bother the crew. I wouldn’t know for sure, because they’re too timid to tell me. Maybe if I developed an anonymous web application and ported it to their cellphones, they would feel compelled to share.

I’m no longer amazed at this attempt to control the natural order. With the plethora of information society soaks in, and doesn’t really understand, even though they’re told what it means, from one opinion, I find myself subjected to an ignorant genius; an oxymoron, I’m sure, as most of these brilliant scientists just reference the all-knowing, all-wise, all-powerful Internet for their answers. Pay no attention to the man behind the database.

Like a library on fire, knowledge on the Internet is often as useless as a curtain without a window, so both might as well go up in flames.

I’ve actually had an interview where their head developer said, “If there’s something we don’t know how to solve, we search for the answer on the Internet.” Should have been a flag to me, considering it came from a company who specializes in serving the education community.

Maybe these psychotherapists have taken a class or two in understanding the human psyche. I did, and I like to refer to that class as Freshman P.E., when, at the time, my psyche was focused not on my physical education, but of the girls sweating with me around the track, on the field, or in the gym. Boy those were the times, weren’t they? A little smelly, but a — uh never mind; you’re not interested in unfulfilled repressed sexual fantasies.

But the psyche of a fourteen year old doesn’t interest employers, and as such, we grow our minds — hopefully — as we age. Some of us keep high school with us, others leave it behind, and there are a few who smoke it away during high school. Yes, by that I mean people who smoked pot.

I’ve grown weary of this need for everyone to be a shrink; to don a pair of glasses, comb over my personality as if it were written in stone at birth, and assume they know everything about me from their well-crafted evaluation.

I’m not a believer that genetics determine your physical manifestations of your psychological behavior; unless, of course, you have a disease like Parkinson’s, in which case, you have my sympathy. As someone who wants to be an actor and stand-up comedian, I know we can behave however we wish; but, of course, we are subjected to subconscious triggers that, from time to time, cause us to make decisions others may view as fucking stupid.

And that’s okay; stupid makes things interesting; without it, I wouldn’t know how stupid these interviewers are by assuming they, who don’t know the meaning of cognitive therapy, are capable of evaluating a person with questions they printed from a website.

Death to Time Cards

If there was one invention I’d like to burn, it would be time cards. Not just the physical ones; the very idea of it, too.

Originally, time cards were fine to begin with; your boss could use it as a measure of how long you were at work. That’s because these same bosses wanted to pay employees by the hour, not their output; some wise guy along the way equated time with productivity, just so he could appear smarter to his boss.

Come along to the age of information technology where every employee is rigidly watched like a hawk, just so they don’t clock in one second late, or even one second early. Extremely tight control over costs have diminished the value of initiative and promptness, and in affect, employee loyalty.

I say this because I don’t like someone coming to me about being one minute late, or one second early, often because of something absolutely minor that was out of my control. Like, traffic; the most common reason — not excuse — as to why people are late. Still, the time card is king, and the penny-pinchers in accounting, and the CEOs who bow to their slave master investors, must comply with rigid standards.

Standards that I don’t agree with. And if the time you clock in wasn’t bad enough, you even have these people who think you must begin work the absolute second you register your time card. Forget that it takes time, something already on their mind, to get to your desk or workstation, for those of you still able to find work in a factory that wasn’t sent overseas. Now, if you’re not in your seat or position to begin working immediately when you clock in, you are reprimanded like a third grader playing with the chalk instead of studying physics like the rest of the class.

I for one wish that time cards would go away; it’s not like employers really give a shit about time, anyway. Unless it’s overtime, in which case, they think you’ve committed a sin. These same assholes think they have the right to refuse to pay you overtime, which in some states may be true; but for those that don’t, they have no problem lying to their employees by saying all overtime must be pre-approved. Well, if that’s the case, then isn’t pre-approved overtime just more time on the clock; doesn’t it lose its meaning?

It’s okay if we all don’t understand the concept of time; our bosses don’t, for sure. So much so many people are now working from the ungodly hour of six or seven am, to about three-thirty in the afternoon. Forget the old bankers hours that worked to keep people sane; now we all have to rise at four in the morning to make the five-fifteen bus, or spend two hours in traffic while listening to news about the stock market crashing and potential layoffs.

A little card with your name on it that registers your ability to show up to work on time and measures your productivity. If that wasn’t bad enough, consider how many people are afraid of being late to work. What for? As if your job is going to be lagging behind; they already have ten people doing the same work you’re doing. If you’re one of those lucky few, you’re doing two jobs; so you have twice as much to worry about.

So there you go, rushing into office, trying not to spill your cappuccino, balancing the reports you did at home — off the clock — and stopping by to say hi to the cute guy from IT. You arrive at your desk, find that you are there just in time, clock in, and in the process, the time ticks over to the next minute. In comes the phone call, it’s your boss, and he’s riled and raging that you were late — now he sends the evil H.R. lady to have you sign a document stating you understand the corporate policy on tardiness.

Time cards. Like credit cards, except they come with no perks other than fears, anxieties, and a way for bosses to measure productivity without doing any real work.

Vroom! Vroom! Recruiters Are Car Salesmen!

I’m tired of answering to dicks in a suit. These washed up hacks who haven’t done anything with their lives but the same thing everyone should do when they turn eighteen: find a job. You see, I’ve never had respect for job recruiters; I’ve always felt they created a wall between the interests of the employer and the person looking for work.

In fact, I’ve discovered these recruiters are nothing more than car salesman who couldn’t make it as Hollywood agents. These pretentious children who call themselves saints in a time when jobs are tough to find. They’re a roadblock against the progress of returning to a sustainable employment rate.

Let’s see, the first one is they like to polish resumes, much like a salesman polishes the hood ornament of a car so it shines in the sunlight. You know the kind of car I’m talking about; the one that has four-hundred thousand miles on it with a rolled-back odometer, three hubcaps missing, and only one tail light. The one the salesman just cleaned out the interior and magically rigged the engine to purr for at least ten miles.

These resumes are usually of the kind of person who is more respected for kissing the boss’s ass than doing real, valuable work. Great points for personality, but fail miserably at screwing in a lightbulb. Is it any wonder they don’t have a job? Maybe it’s because they can’t really get shit done, like a car that you drive off the lot and it immediately drops out its transmission.

Another shared trait between car salesman and recruiters is how they treat their candidates. Recruiters don’t give a shit about you until you get a job, and even then, only as long as you bring in the money. Much like a car salesman shoves his worst cars in the backlot to collect dust, only to send the wash rack boys over to clean it from time to time. A means of keeping up appearances; like getting the hopes up of all those candidates begging for a job.

Then there are the recruiters who act like Hollywood agents, sending their prettiest face to interview for the good jobs, and their most talented candidates to the worst jobs, or nothing at all. I’m starting to wonder if this is where all those failed Hollywood agents have run off to; another failed experiment in their never-ending quest to cash in on the work of someone else. Like a true car salesman.

We also find recruiters like to slap different price tags on their candidates. Even if they send the shitty ones to good paying jobs, they’ll lower the pay, based on some excuse that they lack experience. But they’re still doing the same work as someone with all those years of experience.

Personally, I find most people with experience are full of shit. I’ve come across people with decades of experience over me who can’t even use the copy machine. It’s one button! That’s how simple they’ve become, and yet, they still can’t figure this shit out.

Think about it: the higher priced cars are the better ones, right? Well, that depends on the salesman. Sometimes, they jack up the price on shitty cars, just to make them look better. That happens in business; it’s a sales tactic: make something appear more valuable, and when someone buys it, they subconsciously believe it.

One final genetic defect recruiters and car salesman have in common is their need for more candidates. Stockpiles of resumes in their lots and cabinets, ready for the picking. And they use this to sell their business and raise their prices. “Oh, we’ve got thousands of candidates to choose from. We’re guaranteed to find something that’s just right for you and your budget!” Spoken like a true car salesman.

And the more candidates they have, the better they look. Ever notice that, how so few people stop by the smaller car lots of better cars. Ever been to a luxury, high-priced car lot? See! You haven’t, because they don’t have them. It’s usually confined to one building, the showroom, and there are few cars to choose from; that’s because they only sell the best cars. Doesn’t work that way with job agencies; the more resumes they have, the better they think they look.

Nowhere else will you find the work history of hundreds of thousands of potential employees treated like a currency. And it doesn’t matter how valuable one candidate is over the other; they don’t factor that in. They don’t toss out the worst candidates and only keep the good ones; they’ll take on anyone. Like a shitty car salesman who will take any clunker and find the next sucker to sell it to.

The point of a job agency is to find the best person for the job, because employers don’t have time to shuffle through three-hundred shitty resumes. But, as these job agencies collect more resumes, well, fuck, they’ll run into the same problem; they won’t be able to pick from their own glut of resumes.

So what are they to do? Well, they hire another agency to take the load off them! Here you take these guys, they can’t do shit; wait, I like this one, let me keep that. Yeah, she’s a real go-getter, and he’s a total loser. You can have him; in fact, here’s two more just like that putz.

On and on it goes until it comes back to letting the few people who really want the job, to just come into the office and get a resume then and there, in person, with integrity and initiative. It’s something I value more than anything in an employee, and it’s something no computer program will ever find.

Bad Job Interviews

I thought I’d share my job interview experiences with y’all. Just to give you a bit of insight where I draw my material from. I’m currently pursuing finding a job, which really sucks because that means less writing and other creative things, that could lead to not having to have traditional employment.

I so wanted to say that, and I can only stay polite for so long with such jerks.
I so wanted to say that, and I can only stay polite for so long with such jerks.

In the first of these (I only have one at the moment) I’d like to talk about my most recent interview, which happened a few days ago. It was for a Web Developer position, at, let’s say, Greed Industries, specifically, their advertising department. Now, I don’t know what the advertising / media industry is like, but if it’s anything like what I saw a few days ago, I’m not sure I really care much for the people who work in it.

My first sign that this wasn’t going to go well was the office door was locked, and the window shades were down. I was thinking, “Fuck, are they closed?” Nope, they were open; in fact, someone peeked through the blinds, and didn’t open the door for about another couple of minutes.

Second sign: the guy who opens the door doesn’t say a word to me, so I introduce myself, and tell him I’m here for an interview. First thing he says, “You’re a half-hour early, and the guy who’s supposed to interview you isn’t here yet.” Actually, I was fifteen minutes early, which isn’t horrible (but, then again, people are becoming more obsessive compulsive about minor inconveniences).

After about thirty seconds of awkward silence, the guy has me come in, and then sits me at an office table, where, supposedly, they hold their meetings. So far, eh, run into one person who’s a bit of a jerk, but that’s okay. Can’t get it all. While I’m sitting there, I hear the owner over the phone with one of his clients, customers, or whatever, and he curses at them. Sign number three.

The fourth sign comes when the guy who answered the door decides he’ll stall for time, because the guy who is supposed to interview me, still hasn’t shown up. I really didn’t need that; I’m a patient person and can wait for hours for someone to show up.

Then, the fifth sign, the sign that sealed that I wouldn’t want to work there. During the questions from the first guy, he interrupts my answers with stuff like, “I don’t care about that,” and, “I really don’t know this stuff. I’m just stalling for time.” Yeah… no.

Finally, the guy who is supposed to interview me shows up. Sixth sign comes in, where I overhear the first guy talk about the answers, basically making it seem like I don’t know anything about frameworks. (Anyone who knows me knows I know them, but I rather write all my own code — so it’s clean, secure, and efficient. You know, like a real developer should.) The interview with this guy goes good; he’s a cool guy. And I get the sense that, the reason why he’s leaving, is the first guy (who happened to be his direct superior).

So, really, I think it went pretty stupid. The first guy didn’t give a shit, and the second guy just wants to get out of there in a professional manner. I’m glad I got out of there when I did (about an hour after I arrived).

Set it to Rights – When to Quit Your Job

My first shot at the Daily Prompt geniuses. The topic: recall something I let slide, ate away at me later, and how I would fix it today. For my usual readers, this is a more serious post, so there’s less humor; unless, of course, you think psychological and emotional dysfunction is funny. Then again, Shakespeare was a master of mixing humor and tragedy.

I quit my job in April. I earned just under $38,000/yr, before taxes. Single, with no investments, means I end up owing taxes at the end of the year. About $1,000 in taxes. Still, $2,300/month after taxes is hard to argue with; at least, one might say until they’ve had three or four migraines a year. I had about six. For five years. It’s amazing I’m still alive and haven’t driven my car off a cliff.

This job was for web development and graphic design. That is, I was both a software developer (Java and PHP), and a graphic artist (advertisements, product labels, product design, etc.). Anyone who has worked in web design knows it can feel like complete hell.

The most frustrating part of the job was the extreme self-consciousness from other employees, and their seemingly defensive behavior to anyone with confidence. I, essentially, wasn’t allowed to be “right” about anything without setting aside a meeting, to formulate a plan, to come to a consensus, on where a button should be on a web page. Or, how to calculate sales tax. God forbid I went to college and have been programming software and websites since I was 14! Got to love corporate America’s love for long, drawn-out euphemistic bullshit.

The sheer level of condescending attitude from people more than twice my age is only countered by their so-called “decades of experience.” Experience, they seem to not have learned half of anything from except how to waste everyone’s time. Like mine. And I hate wasting time when I’m paid to do something.

I wouldn’t go back and fix it. However, if I come across this nonsense again (which I’m sure I will), I’m going to put my boots on and take a hike. I don’t want to take the chance of getting an aneurysm just so some washed up losers can feel “good” about something he or she needed ten meetings to decide on, when I already had the answer.

I’m still unemployed, broke, and hating the lack of income. However, my creativity and productivity has soared beyond what I had while employed. It’s helped me to understand that my sanity matters more than accepting migraines as a normal part of life. Now I’ve what, one? They’ll go away.

Why Teamwork Doesn’t Work – And Math to Prove It

You’ve seen it recently on help wanted ads:

  • Be a team player.
  • Able to work well in a team environment as well as alone.
  • Work in an exciting, vibrant, dynamic team environment.

Being a team player seems nice: You work with others with a similar interest, and the team effort should get more done, collectively.

The truth is less gets done with more people working toward the same goal. I’m not talking about major government projects. I’m mean small tasks. For example, let’s look at a team of 10 salesmen.

Danger #1: A team member’s productivity is measured by dividing 1 by the number of team members.

Team members are supposed to do their part: a little of this, a little of that, and with everyone contributing, the work will get done. But, this is where the problem arises.

When each team member thinks the others will pick up the slack, they will give less than 100% effort to complete the task.

The first equation:

1 / X = Productivity

… where X is the number of team members. In our case, we have 10, so:

1 / 10 = 0.1, or 10%

If each employee did give 100%, that would be great, and would be equal to 100 team members. Except, it breaks the point of a team: to work together and rely and support one another.

If the remaining 9 team members are contributing 10%, you’re paying them 100% of their wages for 10% of the work. Makes you wonder why you pay these people in the first place.

Danger #2: Motivation is crippled because no matter the effort, everyone gets an equal share of the prize.

In a competitive scenario, there would be no teams; each for their own. In the Olympics there are more events with individuals than teams. When an individual has to do the task themselves, they are far more motivated because they will get more of the reward.

When the athlete goes for the gold, and achieves it, they get the medal. When a team goes for the gold, in the Olympics, they each get a gold medal. Except, this is work. In work, a team member won’t be motivated to do their best because they aren’t going to get the greater amount of the reward. So, they only give as little effort as necessary, or 10%.

Consider the following equation with a one-million dollar contract:

$1,000,000 / 10 = $100,000 X 0.1 = $10,000

The team member who scored the contract is told that out of $1,000,000, his effort is valued at $10,000.00, not including expenses and wages deducted.

This is terrible motivation, but it gets worse. When you calculate expenses, the weeks and months spent talking, dining, wining, and schmoozing, we bring up, to say, $5,000 in expenses (including wages).

$10,000 – $5,000 = $5,000

The team member did the work himself. But, because he was a team member, he can’t claim all that reward. It’s wiped away – whoosh! – gone into the void. But, things change when the employee isn’t part of a team:

$1,000,000 X (1 employee x 100% effort) = $1,000,000

If your employee’s efforts are worth $1,000,000, then they should be given an equal amount. When the employee is a team member, their value is brought down to 0.05%, or $5,000. However, take them out of the team, and their value goes to $50,000!

However, because they are a team member, their work is valued at $5,000 / $1,00,000. Go figure why team members are unmotivated to perform their best.

Danger #3: When mistakes happen, you’re no longer a team member.

This one is a curveball that employers like a lot: When a cog in the wheel is loose, it needs to be fixed. The team member is pulled aside and, for a moment, becomes an individual. Employers do this because they know, as a team, you have strength and support; as an individual, you have fear and weakness. So, they punish you as an individual.

But wait, aren’t you supposed to be part of a team? Yes, you are, but not when you screw up. When you screw up, you’re an individual!

This is an insane way of treating employees, and again, one asks how team members are supposed to be motivated to do their best. They’re confused on who is responsible: when everyone achieves, it’s a team effort, but when someone goes wrong, it’s no longer a team effort? Somehow, this doesn’t make sense.

The equation is like this to the boss:

100% responsibility = 10% of the team members (or 1 team member).

Except, if this were a true team environment, it would be like this:

100% responsibility / 10 = 10% for each team member

But bosses don’t see it that way. They want to support the feel-good giddy idea of a team environment. However, when something goes wrong, they’re more than willing to thrust down the hammer on an individual.

All the responsibility falls on one employee, and it’s not the team leader, or the boss: it’s the individual who, suddenly, when they need the help the most, is torn from the pack and beaten to fall in line. I remember a country that did this back in the 1930s, except, I couldn’t understand them because I don’t speak German.

Danger #4: The boss’s share prevents team members from giving 100%.

When a team member decides to give 100% effort, they should be rewarded with 100% of the commission that would normally be shared amongst the team.

But, that’s not the way it goes. In a team environment, no matter how much work a team member gives, each member receives and equal share. But, that’s not the way it works. If you’re a team member, no matter how much effort you put forth, you’ll never get more than a so-called fair share.

The rules don’t apply to a boss; only the employee. The boss, on the other hand, will capitalize on the value brought in. Because the value of each team member equates to 0.05, or 5% total, the other 95% has to go somewhere.

Boss’s Share = $1,000,000 – (0.5 x 10 x $5,000) = $975,000

The problem here is the boss didn’t do the work! But, hey, getting $975,000 certainly teaches the boss not to give any effort. No wonder employees aren’t motivated to do better. The boss is busy stuffing her face with cocaine-laced Benjamins.


The solution, a foolish boss would assume, is to motivate employees to give more. However, effort fits nowhere into the equation, because of danger number two.

So, then, how do team members get a bigger piece of the pie than the boss, even for the team as a whole?

Sorry, doesn’t happen. The math works against it. Even if each employee gave 100%, the efforts would still equate like so:

Boss’s Share = $1,000,000 – (10 X 10 X $5,000) = $500,000.

Now, the boss’s contribution was nothing and they still got the lion’s share. Each team member has to split $500,000 amongst themselves, for $50,000 each. That equates to 5% each, or 50% total. And yet, the boss still did nothing! They did nothing, and get 50%!

Have fun being a team member!

Modern Day Employees

I don’t like shopping. Not because of the people, but because I have to spend my money on things I don’t really need. Like toothpaste; can’t we all have false teeth and stop paying the dentist who rips us off for our vanity?

Shopping allows me to understand one thing: modern day employees. I’m not talking about employees with high tech gadgets that try to sell me shit. I’m talking about ignorant, lazy, can’t make a decision employees. You know who I’m talking about. The kind of employee that acts like they can’t help you.

I’ve come to learn, though, it’s not their fault. These employees are capable of making a decision. Why they haven’t decided to quit their job and get a better one, I don’t know. The real problem here is the delusional self-consciousness of their boss who won’t allow them to make decisions. And it should come as no surprise, because, in this wonderful public education system, all the decisions are made for us, as we’re told to shut up and listen.

Modern Day EmployeesModern day employees choose to not make decisions because that is how they were trained. And you know what? Good! Let them! It’s not like they’re paid enough to do it themselves!

I congratulate these modern day workers for realizing they don’t get paid enough to make smart decisions. Instead, they’ve found the best set of phrases to skirt off customer complaints, and dump the work on their boss, who sits in the back room, watching customers on the security cameras, jerking off.

If you call customer service about a defective product, and the employee doesn’t know how to answer your question, or isn’t allowed to, they can say, “Let me transfer you to my manager.” No argument there, huh? Works every time. Gets the customer off the employee’s ass. And if the manager doesn’t pick up, it looks bad on them, not the employee. Ha-ho! Who’s not getting paid now?

When a customer has a question the employee doesn’t want to answer, he can say, “Let me ask my manager.” Perfect. The employee opens the boss’s door, the boss shoves his dick back in his pants, the employee acts like he didn’t see anything. The employee tells the customer whatever bullshit answer the boss gives him. Now it’s on him! Ha!

And! If the customer doesn’t like the answer, the employee can say, “Let me get the manager.” Ah-ha! Not only is the customer growing impatient, and this underpaid employee is irritated too, but now that irritation will be transferred to the boss. From this point on, it’s off the employee’s shoulders, and the boss has to deal with the complaint. How do you like that!?

So, you see, there are ways to be a modern day employee and still enjoy your job. And though we may think they’re some of the dumbest motherfuckers in the world, at least there’s one thing they know how to do well: create more work for the boss, who isn’t doing shit in the first place.

Giving 110 Percent at Work

Giving 110% in the WorkplaceYour boss’s brilliance with numbers will shine when they ask you to give 110 percent. Most people don’t give 110% at work. It’s roughly between 35 and 50 percent.

But, for argument’s sake, let’s say everyone at work gave 110%. If I gave 110%, and you gave 110%, doesn’t that mean the boss is getting an extra 20%? And if ten workers give 110%, then the boss is getting a free worker. Can you say labor law infraction?

Suppose only you give 110%, but earn the same as everyone else who gives 50%. Isn’t it unfair that you provide more than twice as much effort and get less in return? With this equation, the boss isn’t getting just 10% more, he’s getting 60% more! What a bargain.

Let’s get away from the hypothetical and look at this scientifically. We know 110% isn’t possible, because 10% more would mean you took part of a whole. If that’s true, then what happened to the remaining 90%? Is it just sitting around, doing nothing, like your boss? Probably.

Wanted: Lost Prevention Detective

You gotta love job titles Americans conjure up. Like Loss Prevention Detective. What exactly is a Loss Prevention Detective? Well, through deductive reasoning, examining at the evidence and investigating the scene, I discovered it used to be called a Mall Cop.

An ad for a Loss Prevention Detective at a high-class store had a dress code of a black suit and tie, white shirt, sharp, well-dressed, with rubber-soled shoes. Are times so tough the mob needs side jobs? I guess there’s less demand in whacking. I don’t find men in suits intimidating, unless there’s three of them, each are Italian, and they have baseball bats.

Duties Include:

  • Stand in place for long periods of time watching customers walk in/out of store.
  • Walk around spying on customers, especially in the clothing section, making them feel awkward.
  • Kick out kids with pants sagging down to their knees.
  • Hold shoplifters in a closed-off space that looks like an interrogation room.
  • Look like a cop (but you won’t get a gun).


  • Available nights, weekends, weekdays, holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, first days, closed days, open days, in a daze, through a maze, in different ways, last days, middle days, half days, full days, and eat bags of greasy Lays.
  • Must have life insurance, self-assurance, give reassurance.
  • Common sense, work when tense, skilled in self-defense.
  • Can handle a crowd, mob, riot, fighting brothers, angry mothers, hordes of crazy others.

Education and Experience:

  • High-school diploma or G.E.D.
  • 5-years riot control (our sales get a little out of hand).
  • Must pass a psychological evaluation, drug test, self-defense test, and live demonstration with psychotic customer.