Wanted: Computer Guy

About the Company:
We are one of the fastest-growing businesses at the bleeding edge of technology. We have a fun, friendly, open environment, with all the modern accommodations known to mankind. We even have a merry-go-’round.

Duties:
Fix all computer, mechanical, and electrical equipment throughout the entire office, including light fixtures, coffee machines, aquariums, printers, faxes, copiers, scanners, shredders, neon signs hanging on the sixty-seventh floor, robotic equipment, lab equipment, sterilization equipment.

Skills required:
Friendly, teamwork-minded, self-motivated individual. Problem solver, able to work well with others, take ideas and run with them with little guidance. Also, is able to communicate effectively.

Must have 30 or more years experience in the following: Java, Javascript, PHP, COBOL, RPG, Ruby, Python, Perl, C, C-sharp, C++, MySQL, MSSQL, PostgreSQL, ORACLE, Solaris, Windows 1, 2, 95, 98, ME, 2000, XP, and 7. Fuck Windows Vista. Unix, Linux, Ubuntu, Fedora, Apache, IIS, jQuery, Dojo, WordPress, Joomla, Magento, osCommerce, Twitter, Facebook, MySpace, Friendster, Pinterest.

Available on-call 24/7. Willing to relocate. Telecommute when necessary.

Ability to conference call, hang up, dial a number, and talk like a perfect gentleman. If you can’t speak and behave as the Pope, we don’t want you.

Entrepreneur, go-getter, self-starter, keeps up-to-date on industry standards.

Communicate with clients, customers, business partners, all departments in a professional manner: marketing, sales, production, shipping, receiving, management, upper management, lower management, executive management, co-executive management, mail room, stock clerk, secretaries, executive assistants, operators, outsourced wackos, the lazy guy in the office down the hall with the boxes around it, the security guard, the janitorial engineers, government officials, lawyers, accounting, human resources, clergymen, and, of course, team members, contracted employees, electrical engineers, teachers, preachers, the ones with kids under the bleachers….

Position answers to:
Chairman of the Board, CAO, CBO, CBDO, CCO, CDO, CEO, CFO, CEM, CIO, CISO, CIPO, CKO, CLO, CMO, CNO, COO, CPO, CQO, CRO, CSO, CSCO, CTO, GM, FC, President, Vice-President, Vice-Vice President, Vice President’s Executive Assistant, and doorman.

Able to complete objectives in a dynamic, fast-paced environment, while remaining organized, efficient, and adaptive o the changes and needs of clients, customers, staff, management, your wife and kids, and the owners pet min-pin. An ability to demonstrate this will be required through a rigorous set of four levels of interviews.

Education
Must, without question, possess a PhD in modern physics, astrophysics, astronomy, biology, management, nuclear physics, English, constitutional law, political science, and of course, computer science.

More Education:
Must also have a masters in: Business administration, subatomic theories, sports medicine, economics, applied science, chemistry, commerce, city planning, criminal justice, engineering, European law, fine arts, humanities, information technology, mathematics, philosophy, public administration, rabbinic studies, sacred theology, surgery, urban planning, and veterinary science.

Soft-Skills:
Must be fluently trilingual in at least three of the following languages: English, Spanish, Japanese, Chinese, Russian, Tagalog, Danish, Dutch, German, Armenian, Finnish or Yiddish, Latin or Latvian, Lithuanian or Macedonian, Maltese or Portuguese, Czech or Thai (but not both), French, or Bulgarian.

What We Don’t Want:
Talk back, think wrong, feel bad, slow down, refuse to pick up feces in the bathroom, recycle materials in one of twelve different containers, be late to meetings, be late more than one second, be more than one second early, think for themselves, fall out of line, and use the company internet for personal use.

No H1-Bs, visas, agencies, freelancers, contractors, companies, self-employed, recently divorced. Local individuals with proof of experience and citizenship only, no exceptions whatsoever. This is a demanding position with potential growth.