Real-Time Strategy Games

As part of my work on the comic book, I like to write out my thoughts in a separate location.

Real-Time Strategy Games

Here’s a genre politicians love. Real-Time Strategy pits a player in a position where they control one or dozens (possibly hundreds) of units in combat. This requires a great deal of focus, skill, and resource management; things that help make perfect little four-star generals. The kind of children conservatives love to breed.

You don’t hear many arguments against this; that’s because, usually, the little men that are controlled are seen from a top-view. You don’t see the graphic details of the people exploding. This is in direct correlation to when people support war, as long as it isn’t in their backyard; if they don’t see it, it doesn’t bother them.

You see, as long as a game teaches children how to be top military commanders, but not commandos, it’s okay; having control over others is a finer lesson than having control over ourselves.

Anyone who has played these types of games, especially online, understands there is a lot of cheating going on; parents and politicians don’t complain about this, either. Just like they complain about others cheating on their taxes, but they turn around and do it themselves.

This Has Been Played Before

This is an excerpt from a book I’ve been writing for the past six months, adding and editing bits here and there. Generally, it’s similar to the stuff you read here, but bigger, fresher, and not on here. I’d like to share with you my current thoughts on “pop” music.


Are we hearing the same shit again, with a different face? Synthetic music is one of the biggest pieces of shit to hit this planet. I don’t think anyone should have the right to use a synthesizer. Ban them like we ban drugs. Let them be available only to the most ignorant masses who are willing to risk their very lives for them. It will give those “corrupt” politicians another revenue stream.

What’s with it all sounding the same? It really does, and all we do is slap a pretty face on it. But it can’t be a face older than twenty. Once a female singer is in her twenties, she either has to do stupid shit to attract attention, or get knocked up. Some would say that’s the same thing, but not me. I think having children is a great thing.

And so we call it pop music. It doesn’t fit any particular taste, like music from the south, the north, far east, or midwest. No, it doesn’t fit anywhere because it’s very name, popular, just claims that it’s what the in thing is. Some great marketer thought that shit up, and I guess it stuck. Of course, they don’t know how to spell, and lobbed off the “-ular” in the word, and just called it pop. Maybe it’s because the sound pops out at you. Or not. I don’t think it does. The only popping I hear is the stupid kid who’s got his radio too loud it’s shaking his fenders, and I can’t understand what he’s playing anyway.

Teen Pop IdolSo, then, they keep looking for whatever is popular, and label it as pop music. It can be country, rock ‘n’ roll, reggae, hip-hop, rap, crap, blues from Japan, they don’t care. If it has a pretty face, dress her up like a whore, or him like a douche. It will go platinum in a week! That’s how long it takes for it to make it. Just one week. If it takes longer, it won’t go anywhere, and the kid gets shit-canned.

By then, everyone’s moved on to the next fad. The next pop sensation. The next teen idol. Who are you listening to on your MP3 player? What? Dude, their music sucks. Listen to this, he just had his first concert yesterday. Isn’t that awesome? Yeah, and he’s only fifteen. He’s going places I tell ya, what an inspiration.

Download the album! It’s the same price as the CD, we’ve got to make up the cost for those digital bits somewhere. The artist has to get their royalties. We record execs need to get our fair share for making this kid into a star. Wait, wait, hold on here, we need to take something back. These expense reports are immense. I know you didn’t ask for any of it, but here goes. The models, the venue rental, the cost for ticket sales and printing, advertising, marketing, our cut, your father’s cut, my cousin’s cut, not to mention the cut of the cut that was your cut. You know what, you little punk, you owe us.

And the cycle continues. Out with the older, in with the teenager. That’s how things are made popular. Let’s feed the pedos and the pervs, give them something to watch on stage. We’ll just make sure it’s borderline okay with the FCC. Just a smidge. No foul ups here. We aren’t going to be pulling anyone’s shirt off, not all the way. Just a bit, so the kids can get their hormones in a tickle.

Oh, you’re twenty now? Well, sorry, out the door you go. Spend the rest of your life paying off your debts. You spent six years in the spotlight, and we racked up the bills for your fifteen minutes of fame, and we want the money back. Everything you got, we’re taking it. Yup, try and use your old, tired ass to earn money. But you forgot all about that, didn’t you? You didn’t have time to study, to be a kid, and learn what you needed to learn to be able to earn a legitimate income, right? Well, now go pose for a magazine and see if anyone cares.

Your music is old, it’s gone, and we’re on to the next young girl. She’ll make us millions, dare I say, billions!

Some computer terms to help you survive tech support

The magical world of computer terms brings us more mystery than a drunken night in L.A. But it doesn’t have to. Below are some terms that might help you understand the incantations from Nerdism.

Address Bar
(add-dress bar)
1 : Where you type in a website address.
2 : The street name and number of your local pub.
3 : A bar only for women.

Algorithm
(al-go-rhythm)
1 : Your friend Al dancing to a rhythm.
2 : A set of instructions for a computer program to follow, written by a programmer.
3 : A drunk slur that sounds like “I’ll go with him.”

Blog
(buh-log)
1 : A place where people post updates about their lives to people they’ll never meet in real life.
2 : Short-hand for “weblog” because one-syllable words are easier to sell.

example: Instead of learning to play the piano, I post on my blog videos of cats playing the piano.

CAPS LOCK
(caps-lock)
1 : IT PUTS ALL THE LETTERS YOU ARE TYPING IN CAPITALS.
2 : That button you press by accident when trying to press “A”.

Cloud, the
(proverbial, theoretical, not-real, the-cloud)
1 : That thing in the sky you no longer see because you’re working 9-5 in a cubicle.
2 : A collection of computers that replicate your data all over the Internets for redundancy and always-available access.
3 : That place you shouldn’t store your nudey pictures.

Firewall
(fye-er-wall)
1 : A wall on fire.
2 : A place where firefighters practice.
3 : It doesn’t actually exist, and is not a piece of hardware on your network.
4 : Keeps you from looking at porn at work.
5 : The Chinese have constructed the Great Firewall of China

example: Life would be simple if we had social firewalls.

Gateway
(gate-way)
1 : That place you get in line at before entering Disneyland.
2 : A virtual location giving you access to the Internet.
3 : A dimensional portal where rabid aliens will one day appear and consume the Earth.

example: As crime in a neighborhood increases, it is wise to install a gateway to your home.

Icon
(eye-con)
1 : A teen pop sensation that nobody will care about once she turns thirty.
2 : A tiny image on a computer, usually used to open the folder to your nudey pics.

example: If your optometrist scams you, he is an eye con.

Maximize
(max-uh-myze)
1 : To reach your credit limit.
2 : To reach your full potential.
3 : To make an application or image on screen the largest it will go.

example: In order to maximize profits, corporations have layoffs.

Minimize
(min-uh-myze)
1 : To shrink your debt.
2 : To reduce an application or image on screen to the smallest it will go, often vanishing entirely.

example: In order to minimize risks, corporations have layoffs.

Terabyte
(ter-a-byte)
1 : (one trillion) 1,000,000,000,000 bytes, or 1,000 gigabytes.

example: Vampires drain blood while Werewolves terabyte their victims.

You should learn more of these terms to survive in this world of information technology (I know, four-syllable words are tough, OMFG!).