Apple to Capitalize Market with iMe

Apple announced today a new initiative to capitalize on the conceit of their growing fan base. Their latest device, the iMe (i-Me), will introduce a new wave of communication for those who are obsessed with not only the latest from the gadget maker, but themselves.

Among the features are:

  • A forward facing camera so you can take photos and videos of yourself, and play them back instantly.
  • An LCD screen that flips into a mirror, for those times when you’re charging your device, and you simply can’t wait to check yourself out.
  • An updated Siri that not only compliments your choice in restaurants, but your photos, videos, tweets, and offers random flirtations.

Fans are flocking to Apple Stores now. However, Apple wants customers to know that only those in possession of an iPhone, an iPad, and an iPod, will be eligible for the early release.

Asked why such restrictions were applied to the product, Apple had this to say: “We’d like to ensure our most dedicated fans, who are at least as dedicated to us as they are to themselves, will provide feedback about how good they feel about themselves after trying our new product. In turn, this will help us prepare the iMe for release to the general public.”

Continuing, Apple said, “It is our firm belief that those who are most involved with themselves, will have the highest opinion of their experience, thereby providing valuable market data, so that we may cater future product recommendations directly to individuals — thereby showing that we think of them more than ourselves.”

When we asked for an exclusive demonstration of the iMe, Apple’s spokeswoman replied, “Now, don’t you think that’s a little selfish?”

People Are Fucking Demanding

Patience is a verb that is non-existent in American English. I can’t recall when such a virtue was practiced by the majority. Probably before I was born, it was tied up and tossed over a bridge by the computer.

I have this theory, why people have become more demanding of products, services, and employees, over the past twenty to thirty years. Most of the cause, I believe, comes from our ever-improving technological advances, and a sad dependency on the conveniences they provide.

A phone used to be a phone; you could call someone, even your neighbor across the street, and watch them stop their bondage session, and hang up. They would never know it was you. I miss that, don’t you? Prank calls. They’re fucking gone, because everyone wants surveillance everywhere.

I believe smartphones have transformed otherwise intelligent human beings, into fucking idiots. When you wanted to call someone, before the cellphone, you had to find the phone. Ever hear of a courtesy phone? They used to exist, until everyone owned one themselves, then they became an unnecessary expense. Now, the phone is there in your pocket; easy, portable, and with you more time throughout the day than your significant other.

People have fallen in love with their devices, and out of love with patience, and settling first for what they need, and gradually getting what they want. And each of these devices is on all day, every day, and easy to use, and easy to access. Thanks to the integration with the Internet, everyone with access to the plethora of meaningless information, believes thy have an IQ of 235.

News flash! Smartphones do not have a consciousness, and therefore cannot create their own solutions, or information. Other people write that stuff; Wikipedia did not just build itself. This disconnect between humans, divided by machines, has subconsciously built into the minds of unaware Americans, that everything should be easy to access, easy to use, and easy to work with.

It shouldn’t come as a surprise then, where the obsessive compulsive need for employees to be a good fit for the workplace community, comes from. Every hiring managers believes they’re the twenty-first century Sigmund Freud, and because of this, finding a place to work with people who aren’t the same, is close to impossible. A need for absolute harmony, where everyone thinks, walks, talks, and believes the same; a reflection of their demands on technology.

Everyone wants a smartphone that does everything a computer does, and then some. Email, video, voice — which used to be a phone call — and text messaging, all for the sake of convenience. So, if something isn’t convenient, they have the nerve to toss it out as completely useless.

Employers do the same; they’ll investigate an employee’s personality, because, frankly, once all workers have been replaced by computers, what’s left other than a person’s genetic code? Don’t be surprised if the corporate owners want to control that some day, too; we’re not too far off.

There’s a price for convenience. Usually, one finds value in the work required to acquire the things they need. Like, water; it didn’t always flow from the tap, but about thirty years after it did, people don’t care about it anymore. If you have any doubts, drive over to Southern California, and look at any of our wonderful, beautiful, shores of slightly transparent brown water.

Ever since the tool of choice to access information sat in a pocket next to their crotch, everyone thinks they have the right to demand constant access to the mindless drivel online. This translates into the workplace with increased demands on employees to constantly stay informed, update their skills and knowledge, so the boss doesn’t have to do it himself. You know, for convenience.

How can we reduce the ever-increasing demands by a society of people staring at screens. I certainly can’t stand here and just tell you what’s wrong, I have to provide a solution; part of that American tradition of having someone else solve your problems. That’s another thing technology does: solves problems — so they don’t have to do it themselves, and feel good about it. That further decreases the value of work.

Sometimes, I picture a massive E.M.P. exploding and destroying all electronic devices, along with the factories in China that create them. Maybe — just maybe — people will go for a walk, and clear their head of all that passive, diluted, narcissistic social-networking bullshit. That disease where people believe the only way to communicate a thought, is to tell every one of their friends at the same time; staying informed.

I’m bothered by the need to stay informed about other people’s stupid shit. I don’t care about your new pair of khakis; I don’t want to ride in your new boat — unless, if course, there are six or seven Swedish supermodels aboard. But I’ll stick with reality and inform you of my solution to this problem:

Stop using it. Plain and simple as that. Your life doesn’t really get any better with a smartphone. In fact, as your phone remembers things for you, your brain doesn’t get the exercise it needs to recall a simple thought. You know, so you can recall all the great moments you’ve had in life; fights at the family reunion; your mugshot on the ten-o’clock news; and that time you got caught sleeping with your boss’s daughter. You know, the blonde with the gimped leg, no hands, and thinks its the year 1927.

If you ever wondered why people are fucking dumb, there’s an answer for you. But, then you say, “Well, we need this technology, because that’s what everyone else has.” So says the fucking television you’re staring at, or the shitty marketing campaign that’s convinced you another device will bring you happiness. Let me ask you this, would you ever look to your mother and say, “Yeah! I’d jump off the fucking bridge! If everyone else is, clearly, they know what to do!”

The demands aren’t going away, as long as people keep getting what they want. Like a child who kicks and screams until he gets his toy back.

Just remember folks; the people of this country spend more time staring at screens than they do the moon and the stars. Makes you wonder why we haven’t colonized Mars yet. Maybe we should start by looking in the right direction.

5 Predictions for Google Glass

Carl shops wearing Google GlassI’m no fan of human cybernetic computer technology fusion, but I like to watch people fuck things up beyond psychological repair. Case in point: Google’s upcoming Glass. A headband for the new millennium that resembles a 1980’s sweatband.

So I came up with five predictions how Google Glass will be used to fuck people up further than technology already has.

#1: Diversion Twenty-Thirteen

For you art of conversation fanatics, be prepared to be psychotically annoyed at the further reduced attention these LeVar-Burton Star-Trek wannabes will give you. As if people weren’t distracted enough by their mobile vibrators with ring tones, now they’ll have it right between the two of you.

It’s like a five year old who jumps up-and-down between two mothers as he fights for attention. Shit will pop up and draw the other person’s attention; and they’ll do this willingly, because it’s customized to their needs. It provides a little more evidence how much they really care about what you have to say.

If that wasn’t bad enough, everyone will develop a nervous twitch in their eyes, as they constantly shift focus between you and checking if their pirated movie has downloaded. I know the insurance companies will jump on this and raise premiums; as if relying on technology hasn’t driven up medical costs enough as it is.

#2: Everyone’s Gone Fucking Nuts

I always thought guys who talk with hands-free bluetooth were fucking nuts. Now, with this visor for the The Next Generation, expect guys on the airplane to be secretly jerking off to the latest teen idols. Mothers will specifically ask that their child not be seated behind these perverts.

If you remember the movie Drop Dead Fred, be prepared for everyone to have an imaginary friend. You won’t hear or see their friend, but they sure can. And I can see the problems this will cause: children and young adults developing schizophrenia. Just what psychotherapists and pharmaceutical companies want: another reason to prescribe sessions and medication.

You know the more you practice something, the more it becomes routine, and normal. It becomes a habit. Do we really want everyone to have the habit of seeing things that aren’t really there? God! If he were alive today, Jimmy Hendrix would have a damn good reason to quit using drugs!

#3: Conversation Checklists

This is for people who can’t remember anything; another piece of technology to rot our brains by removing our need to exercise our memory. Now, everything we need to do, and everything we need to discuss, will scroll on a list that automatically checks itself off as we get through the day.

And, god damn! Will it get fucking annoying. You know how conversations go, from one subject to another, usually in a place it wasn’t intended? Like when you go from a board room presentation to rambling on how you should’ve killed your ex-boyfriend? Shit like that.

That won’t happen anymore; life’s little surprises are being taken away. The natural flow of conversation and thought will be killed and destroyed by the free-floating reminders ever present before our eyes. You think the government and political reform committees won’t get in on this shit? I can see every Chinese person wearing one of these real soon, and see how quickly they’re able to move toward a precious fucking democracy.

Everyone will be scientifically evaluating the conversations, one topic after the other, allowing their obsessive compulsiveness to overcome when they figit, fuss, and twitch, as the other person begins talking about something not on their perfect little list. Maybe an alarm will sound and the Glass will flash bright red, sending these newly vision-impaired jackoffs into a seizure.

#4: Increased Traffic Accidents

If you think Google Glass will reduce traffic accidents with finely tuned gauges of the distance between cars and surrounding objects, think again. Sure, it will do that, but most people don’t pay attention to the signs on the road that are already there.

You got drivers running red lights, stop signs, and cutting people off at ninety miles an hour while applying lipstick and mascara, because apparently, they need it for the 9:30 office meeting with that boss they think is a big fucking perv. You know, to gain favor with him.

When I use my turn signal to get around a slow moving vehicle, the guy in the other lane, who is hundreds of feet behind me, has the nerve to speed up. Fuck you, asshole! Put your vision assistant away and pay attention to the road!

It’s just another distraction, and soon after, we’ll need another law passed to fine people for one more thing. But, only after enough people have been killed; so when the second person dies from a Google Glass related incident, the government will pass something to calm the public’s massive outcry at this invasive and abused technology. Well, that’s America for you: blaming objects instead of ourselves.

#5: Idiot Awareness

You know, Americans and idiots aren’t always exclusive to each other, and with that, I saved the best for last. You see, at some point, an engineer out there will shock society into a tailspin of total fucking chaos with an application for Google Glass that measures a person’s intelligence.

From afar, you’ll know who to avoid, and why. A complete analysis of the person’s face, clothes, and haircut, will feed back data on the best way to avoid falling for their stupid shit. People already have the assumption that everyone’s an idiot, and with this new technology, we’ll confirm all that — up close and personal.

Speaking of getting close with technology, and avoiding idiots, I think women will benefit the most from Google Glass, at least when it comes to sizing up a man. Technology will make that easier for them: there they are, at the bar, getting a drink — because they can afford it themselves now — and on the screen is a radar of all the morons in the club: “I got to get out of here… the only person here who has at least an IQ over seventy is the bartender!”

Of course, it works the other way. Men will no longer be tricked into asking out a gold-digger. Right on the screen a gauge will show how much it will cost to take her out to dinner — for just one night — plus her living expenses, and the living expenses she wish she had, compared to the balance of his checking account. So, for ladies, it’s a catch-22: use your best judgement; most men will probably ignore it and think they can afford her anyway.

Are you ready for Google Glass and for everyone to run around looking at shit that isn’t there?

The Difference and Similarities of Books and Computers

I like books and computers. Through my experience, I’ve discovered books and computers have similarities and differences you may not have thought of.

Books and computers don’t work when wet. The pages of a book get soggy and fall apart as you turn them; the circuits of a computer get drenched and short out.

A book does one thing and does it well. A computer does a million things, and hardly any one thing well.

Ten years ago, a nine year old could read a book, but knew nothing about computers. Today, that same kid can use a computer better than most adults, but won’t take the time away from Twitter and Farmville to read a book.

A book has some information that can help tremendously. A computer can access the Internet with a wealth of cat videos, photos of drunk parties, anonymous comments on news stories, none of which helps anyone.

The process of making a book:

  1. Grow a tree.
  2. Cut down the tree.
  3. Shred the wood.
  4. Mill into paper.
  5. Print on the paper.
  6. Bind the paper.
  7. Read the book.

The process of making a computer

  1. Grow a bunch of rocks over thousands of millenniums of bombardment by meteors, comets, and cooling lava.
  2. Spend tens of thousands of man hours drilling, mining, sifting, and sorting rare metals from the Earth.
  3. Study all branches of science over thousands of years to construct a device as large as a room of vacuum tubes and giant mechanical switchboards, levers, pulleys, and fans.
  4. Reduce said device each six months over the course of sixty years until it’s about one-third the size of a book.
  5. Charge said device to read a digital book on it for a few hours, in which case we need to charge it again and wait.

Cost of a computer: About $1,000.
Cost of a book: About 25 cents, used.

Wanted: Computer Guy

About the Company:
We are one of the fastest-growing businesses at the bleeding edge of technology. We have a fun, friendly, open environment, with all the modern accommodations known to mankind. We even have a merry-go-’round.

Duties:
Fix all computer, mechanical, and electrical equipment throughout the entire office, including light fixtures, coffee machines, aquariums, printers, faxes, copiers, scanners, shredders, neon signs hanging on the sixty-seventh floor, robotic equipment, lab equipment, sterilization equipment.

Skills required:
Friendly, teamwork-minded, self-motivated individual. Problem solver, able to work well with others, take ideas and run with them with little guidance. Also, is able to communicate effectively.

Must have 30 or more years experience in the following: Java, Javascript, PHP, COBOL, RPG, Ruby, Python, Perl, C, C-sharp, C++, MySQL, MSSQL, PostgreSQL, ORACLE, Solaris, Windows 1, 2, 95, 98, ME, 2000, XP, and 7. Fuck Windows Vista. Unix, Linux, Ubuntu, Fedora, Apache, IIS, jQuery, Dojo, WordPress, Joomla, Magento, osCommerce, Twitter, Facebook, MySpace, Friendster, Pinterest.

Available on-call 24/7. Willing to relocate. Telecommute when necessary.

Ability to conference call, hang up, dial a number, and talk like a perfect gentleman. If you can’t speak and behave as the Pope, we don’t want you.

Entrepreneur, go-getter, self-starter, keeps up-to-date on industry standards.

Communicate with clients, customers, business partners, all departments in a professional manner: marketing, sales, production, shipping, receiving, management, upper management, lower management, executive management, co-executive management, mail room, stock clerk, secretaries, executive assistants, operators, outsourced wackos, the lazy guy in the office down the hall with the boxes around it, the security guard, the janitorial engineers, government officials, lawyers, accounting, human resources, clergymen, and, of course, team members, contracted employees, electrical engineers, teachers, preachers, the ones with kids under the bleachers….

Position answers to:
Chairman of the Board, CAO, CBO, CBDO, CCO, CDO, CEO, CFO, CEM, CIO, CISO, CIPO, CKO, CLO, CMO, CNO, COO, CPO, CQO, CRO, CSO, CSCO, CTO, GM, FC, President, Vice-President, Vice-Vice President, Vice President’s Executive Assistant, and doorman.

Able to complete objectives in a dynamic, fast-paced environment, while remaining organized, efficient, and adaptive o the changes and needs of clients, customers, staff, management, your wife and kids, and the owners pet min-pin. An ability to demonstrate this will be required through a rigorous set of four levels of interviews.

Education
Must, without question, possess a PhD in modern physics, astrophysics, astronomy, biology, management, nuclear physics, English, constitutional law, political science, and of course, computer science.

More Education:
Must also have a masters in: Business administration, subatomic theories, sports medicine, economics, applied science, chemistry, commerce, city planning, criminal justice, engineering, European law, fine arts, humanities, information technology, mathematics, philosophy, public administration, rabbinic studies, sacred theology, surgery, urban planning, and veterinary science.

Soft-Skills:
Must be fluently trilingual in at least three of the following languages: English, Spanish, Japanese, Chinese, Russian, Tagalog, Danish, Dutch, German, Armenian, Finnish or Yiddish, Latin or Latvian, Lithuanian or Macedonian, Maltese or Portuguese, Czech or Thai (but not both), French, or Bulgarian.

What We Don’t Want:
Talk back, think wrong, feel bad, slow down, refuse to pick up feces in the bathroom, recycle materials in one of twelve different containers, be late to meetings, be late more than one second, be more than one second early, think for themselves, fall out of line, and use the company internet for personal use.

No H1-Bs, visas, agencies, freelancers, contractors, companies, self-employed, recently divorced. Local individuals with proof of experience and citizenship only, no exceptions whatsoever. This is a demanding position with potential growth.

Some computer terms to help you survive tech support

The magical world of computer terms brings us more mystery than a drunken night in L.A. But it doesn’t have to. Below are some terms that might help you understand the incantations from Nerdism.

Address Bar
(add-dress bar)
1 : Where you type in a website address.
2 : The street name and number of your local pub.
3 : A bar only for women.

Algorithm
(al-go-rhythm)
1 : Your friend Al dancing to a rhythm.
2 : A set of instructions for a computer program to follow, written by a programmer.
3 : A drunk slur that sounds like “I’ll go with him.”

Blog
(buh-log)
1 : A place where people post updates about their lives to people they’ll never meet in real life.
2 : Short-hand for “weblog” because one-syllable words are easier to sell.

example: Instead of learning to play the piano, I post on my blog videos of cats playing the piano.

CAPS LOCK
(caps-lock)
1 : IT PUTS ALL THE LETTERS YOU ARE TYPING IN CAPITALS.
2 : That button you press by accident when trying to press “A”.

Cloud, the
(proverbial, theoretical, not-real, the-cloud)
1 : That thing in the sky you no longer see because you’re working 9-5 in a cubicle.
2 : A collection of computers that replicate your data all over the Internets for redundancy and always-available access.
3 : That place you shouldn’t store your nudey pictures.

Firewall
(fye-er-wall)
1 : A wall on fire.
2 : A place where firefighters practice.
3 : It doesn’t actually exist, and is not a piece of hardware on your network.
4 : Keeps you from looking at porn at work.
5 : The Chinese have constructed the Great Firewall of China

example: Life would be simple if we had social firewalls.

Gateway
(gate-way)
1 : That place you get in line at before entering Disneyland.
2 : A virtual location giving you access to the Internet.
3 : A dimensional portal where rabid aliens will one day appear and consume the Earth.

example: As crime in a neighborhood increases, it is wise to install a gateway to your home.

Icon
(eye-con)
1 : A teen pop sensation that nobody will care about once she turns thirty.
2 : A tiny image on a computer, usually used to open the folder to your nudey pics.

example: If your optometrist scams you, he is an eye con.

Maximize
(max-uh-myze)
1 : To reach your credit limit.
2 : To reach your full potential.
3 : To make an application or image on screen the largest it will go.

example: In order to maximize profits, corporations have layoffs.

Minimize
(min-uh-myze)
1 : To shrink your debt.
2 : To reduce an application or image on screen to the smallest it will go, often vanishing entirely.

example: In order to minimize risks, corporations have layoffs.

Terabyte
(ter-a-byte)
1 : (one trillion) 1,000,000,000,000 bytes, or 1,000 gigabytes.

example: Vampires drain blood while Werewolves terabyte their victims.

You should learn more of these terms to survive in this world of information technology (I know, four-syllable words are tough, OMFG!).